A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drink-driver. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good 10 minutes as the other pub patrons left.He turned his lights on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally, when his was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.The cop, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test and, to his great surprise, the man easily passed. The cop was dumbfounded.’This equipment must be broken,’ exclaimed the policeman.’I doubt it,’ said the man. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
Author: admin
Jar of Olives
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me,” said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. “What was that all about?”
“Nothing,” said the Irishman, “my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.”
Sex Pills
There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said “Take one pill for a great night.” The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man’s son sitting on the porch crying.”What’s wrong?” they said. The boy replied, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts and dad’s in the basement yelling ‘here kitty”
Cierto d�a, se encuentran el
Cierto d�a, se encuentran el Sol y la Luna, entonces el astro rey le suelta a nuestro sat�lite:
“Adi�s, puta Luna de mirada seductora”.
La Luna se enoja y le reclama que por qu� le dice puta. El Sol responde:
“Porque s�lo sales de noche y te la pasas de en cuarto en cuarto”.
“Pues mira, Solecito, si yo soy puta, t� eres bien pendejo, porque llevas siglos calentando a la Tierra y todav�a no te las has podido coger”.
Did you hear that the
Did you hear that the lab finally determined
what was on Monica Lewinsky’s dress?
It was Big Mac sauce.
Heaven or Hell?
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?”
St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
“I’ll leave that up to you.”
“Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”
“Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.
“Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
“That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.
Two Muffins
Two muffins were in an oven. The first muffin says “boy…its hot in here”
The 2nd muffins says, “Holy s**t a talking muffin”
Blonde Destroyer
What is a blonde’s definition of a naval destroyer. A hula hoop with a nail in it.
You’re a redneck … your family tree doesn’t
You’re a redneck if…. Your family tree doesn’t fork.
The cock and ass
Question: If I have a chicken and you have a donkey and your donkey ate both the feet off of my chicken what do you have?
Answer: Two feet of my cock in your ass.
Rob’s frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The boy said, “Look I’m a software engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and yisman
Not What The Doctor Ordered
A beautiful, Voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this women and all his professonalism goes out the windon. Right away he tells her to unfress.
After she has disrobed he beings to stroke her thigh. As he does this he say to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she says, “your’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is correct, “says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now? “yYou’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“That’s right,” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes, “she say. “You’re getting herpes.”