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Tres amigos est�n jugando p�quer. Uno empieza a hablar sobre su esposa cuando iban a tener un hijo. Antes del parto, ella estaba leyendo Blancanieves y los 7 enanos, y nacieron 7 ni�os y una ni�a.
“La m�a”, dijo otro de los amigos, “estaba leyendo Peter Pan y tuvo un ni�o.
“�Caray!”, dijo Jos�, “al hospital, r�pido, �mi esposa est� leyendo los 101 d�lmatas!”
yo momma is so fat….that when i had sex with her i got stuck
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
System
———————————————————————-
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–
1. Surface Tension–soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: ——————–
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)
COMMON USES: ————
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.
SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: ———————–
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.
HAZZARDS: ———
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
1) They both cost about $100.
2) They both last about 30 seconds.
3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
You remember to mail a letter only when you’re nowhere near a mailbox.
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:Collie + Lhasa ApsoCollapso, a dog that folds up for easy transportSpitz + Chow ChowSpitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lotPointer + SetterPoinsetter, a traditional Christmas petGreat Pyrenees + DachshundPyradachs, a puzzling breedPekingnese + Lhasa ApsoPeekasso, an abstract dogIrish Water Spaniel + English Springer SpanielIrish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistleLabrador Retriever + Curly Coated RetrieverLab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientistsNewfoundland + Basset HoundNewfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisorsTerrier + BulldogTerribull, a dog that makes awful mistakesBloodhound + LabradorBlabador, a dog that barks incessantlyMalamute + PointerMoot Point, owned by….oh, well, it doesn’t matter anywayCollie + MalamuteCommute, a dog that travels to workDeerhound + TerrierDerriere, a dog that’s true to the endBull Terrier + ShitzuOh, never mind….
A little boy comes to his Mom one day and asks her, “Why does Daddy eat light bulbs?”The mother laughs and says, What makes you think that your father eats light bulbs?”The boy replies, “The other night when you didn’t know I was listening, I heard Daddy say to you, ‘Turn out the light Honey, and I’ll eat it!'”
A foursome of golfers watch a lone player play up short of the green they are on. As they tee off at the next hole they watch the lone player quickly chip on and putt out. He almost runs to the tee where the foursome is. He looks at the bewildered players and says: “I say chaps could I play through, I’ve just heard the wife has had a terrible accident”.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and
took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her
husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where
he usually went. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed
her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked.
“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is,
‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'”
“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the
argument in the first place!”
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said “CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES”.
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
10. “Look sir, droids!”
9. No time travlers picking up their own heads.
8. No alternate universes.
7. No transporters to save your butt at the last minute.
6. Aliens with makeup somewhere besides their foreheads.
5. Starship battles in 3 dimensions.
4. War, not neutral zones!
3. No ultra-powerful aliens with one-letter names.
2. No holodecks for lame plot ideas invented by actors.
1. Princess Leia in that slave girl outfit at Jabba’s!