Under certain conditions, U.S. taxpayers are required to file an estimated income tax return. A friend of mine is so upset by this that he sends his in without either name or address. His reasoning? “If they’re gonna make me guess how much I’m gonna make, then they can guess who the hell sent it in.”
Author: admin
Where is My Heart?
An old lady of about 80 decides that she wants to live no longer and plans to end her life. So, she calls up her doctor and asks him where her heart is. He says that it is right under her left nipple. The next day, the doctor hears that the old lady has shot herself in the kneecap.
These are supposedly
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.”The effects are fleeting and lingering…” – Overheard in a hallway “In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted.” – CBS reporter during the solar eclipse “A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across.” – Announcer on KZOK radio “He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that’s a mouthful!” – CBS baseball announcer “An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement.” – Irish Politician on RTE radio “This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation.” – BBC world service. “We have two incredibly credible witnesses here.” – Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) “He’s going to step down ’til he’s back on his feet.” – Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart’s latest sex scandal
Not that much
A middle aged Jewish gentleman is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, “So what would you like, my dear? A Jaguar?
A Sable coat?, A diamond necklace?
She says, “If you don’t mind, I want a divorce.”
He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo
Bloondeys
who do you kill a blond?
ancwer you put a scratch and sniff on the bottom of the pool.
Alligator Hunting
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, is my guest. Maybe
You�ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a
huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the
creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator
on it’s back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this
One isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
Thats what they are for?
What are scrotums on gay guys for?
Mud flaps!
Go all the way to Texas
A Brazilian, attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, was dancing with a tourist girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a costume. Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor. ‘What the heck happened?’ asked a friend who had witnessed the entire event. ‘I’m not really sure,’ the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. ‘When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it.’
Un tipo entra a un
Un tipo entra a un sexshop buscando algo interesante. Entonces, ve algo que le llama la atenci�n: unas gafas, pero no unas gafas ordinarias sino unas especiales que permiten ver a la gente desnuda; �totalmente desnuda! As� que llama al dependiente y le pregunta:
“Se�or, �estas gafas funcionan?”
“Claro que s�”.
“�Y cu�nto cuestan?”
“Quinientos d�lares”.
“�Quinientos d�lares! No puede ser”.
“�Quiere ver a la gente desnuda o no?”
“Bueno, est� bien”.
Cuando el hombre sale a la calle, todo el mundo est� desnudo, los hombres est�n desnudos, �las mujeres est�n desnudas!
Al llegar a su casa, entra sin tocar y se dirige a su habitaci�n; al entrar, ve a su mejor amigo y a su mujer desnudos en la cama. El hombre se r�e ruidosamente y luego se quita las gafas, pero su esposa y su mejor amigo siguen desnudos. Entonces exclama:
“�Malditos cerdos, quinientos d�lares y ya se da�aron las gafas!”
2 Sluts and A Fag
Lil’ Johnny goes to school ona day and his teacher says,”You
only have one item for homework today and that is to find the
definition of realisticaly and potentially.” So Lil’ Johnny goes
home and asks his dad what realistacaly and potetially meens and
he asy “I’ll give you three things to do and you come back to me
with an answer.” and Lil’ Johnny says “ok,” “first go to your
mother and ask her if she’ll sleep with Robert Redford for a
million dollars. Then go to your sister and ask her if she’ll
slee p with Brad Pitts for a million dollars. After that go to
your brother and ask him if He’ll sleep with Tom Cruise for a
million dollars. After all that come back to me and tell me what
you came up with.” So Lil’ Johnny goes to his mom and says “Mom
will you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?” “Well
I love your father a whole lot and we’ve been married for 15
years and well, for a million dollars I guess I will.” So he
goes to his sister and says “Sis’ will you sleep with Brad Pitts
for a million dollars?” “I’d sleep with him for nothin but for a
million dollars hell yes.” So now, he goes to his brother and
asked himm if he’d slep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars
and he says “Well isn’t he gay or something?” Lil’ Johnny Shrugs
his shoulders. “Well for a million dollars I guess I would.” So
now Lil’ Johnny goes back to his dad and says “Dad I think I now
what realisticaly and potentially meens!” “Ok son spill it!”
“Potentaily we can be millionares, realistically I’m livin’ with
2 Sluts and A Fag!!!”
Square Boobs
Q: Why do blondes have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Why do so many Scottish
Why do so many Scottish people have double glazing on their windows?
To stop there children from hearing the ice cream van!