Yours Fun Portal !
On his first official engagement, President Clinton rides with the Queen in a carriage of state.
All of a sudden the rearmost horse breaks wind.
” I do apologize Mr President,” Said the Queen
“That’s all right Ma’am,” said the President. “I thought it was the horse!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
How many wet-dreams does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One spray over at the light switch to make sure switch is off, one
to blast the old bulb out, and one to SCREW the new one in.
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:
“Doctor, when I wasn’t married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can’t get pregnant.”
“Well” said the doctor, “It’s possible you don’t breed in captivity!”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner!”
– Lynda Montgomery
“If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
– Johnny Carson
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”
– Paul Rodriguez
And from George Carlin…
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?
If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?
If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?
Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?
Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?
Is it ok to go door-to-door selling “No Soliciting” signs?
If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?
If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?
If someone comes up to you and tells you that they’re an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know they’re telling the truth?
How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?
Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if it’s wrong?
Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?
Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?
Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?
How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?
Why do men fall asleep immediately after sex?
So women can masturbate and finish the job off properly!
That is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
Did you hear about the banker who’s a great lover?
He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three.
One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, “How sad, a dead bird.”
The other man looked up and said, “where?” {regular readers will remember this as a blond joke… equal time, right?
Why do men love computers?
No matter what mood they’re in, they can still get a floppy in.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
9 out of 10 men can find a pub.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag to about how he screwed.
The incredibly dumbAn Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a
professional golf tournament?
A: Tiger Woods.
What’s Snoop Dogg’s favorite weather?
Drizzle!
I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree; A tree o’er which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie; A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard; A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send; A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear. Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.
Yo Mama So Fat….
…she fell in love and she broke it
…she jumped on a scale and it said “to be continued”
…she jumped on a scale and it said “one at a time please”
…she jumped on a dollar and got four quarters
…she’s got her own area code
…her measurements are 36-24-36, and her other arm is just as big
…when God said let there be light, he told her to move her ass over
…she smokes a turkey after sex
Yo Mama’s so old…
…she was in Jesus’s yearbook
…when God said let there be light, she flipped the switch
…her driver’s license number is one
Yo Family’s So Poor…
…your house has a kickstand
…you have to go home and take off your clothes so your father has pants to go to work
Yo Dad’s So Bald…
…he reaches into his pants just to run his fingers through his hair
Yo House is so Nasty…
…the roaches wear shoes
…you wipe your feet before going out
Yo Mama’s So Stupid…
…she thought a quarterback is a refund
…I gave a penny for her thoughts and got change back
This farmer had a donkey it was a so un happy so he ask this bloke if he could try and make his donkey laugh ok said the bloke he went up to the donkey and whispered something in his ear he stepped back, the donkey started to laugh the farmer could not believe it ok you can make him laugh can you make him cry. The bloke said no problems he went over to the donkey whispered something in his ear then stepped back the donkey started to cry as the bloke was walking of the farmer said hold on one minute how did you make my donkey laugh? The bloke said it was easy I said to the donkey my dick is bigger than yours how did you make him cry I showed it to him.
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep