Q. What do you get when you cross a female deer and a pickle?
A. A dildoe.
Author: admin
Men and Women
The difference between men and women: A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells: “PIG”!!
The man immediately leans out his window and replies with “B—–!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
Thanksgiving Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I’m stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin’
I’m probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I’m so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!
I’m full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there’s still some dessert so I guess it won’t hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
20 reasons dogs don’t use computers
20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ’95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
They are in the shower
A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, “Yes.”
The salesman said, “Well, can I see him please?”
Johnny snickered and said, “No, he is in the shower.”
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Johnny said, “Yes.”
The salesman said, “Well can I see her?”
Johnny snickered again and said, “No, she’s in the shower too.”
The salesman then asked, “Do you think they will be out soon?”
Johnny laughed this time and said “No.”
The salesman asked, “Why?”
“Well”, Johnny said, “when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue.”
A Trip to the Meat Market
A meat counter clerk, who had had a particularly good day, proudly flipped his last chicken on a scale and weighed it. “That will be $6.35,” he told the customer.
“That really is a little too small,” said the woman. “Don’t you have anything larger?”
Hesitating, but thinking fast, the clerk returned the chicken to the refrigerator, paused a moment, then took the same one out again.
“This one,” he said faintly, ” will be $6.65.”
The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. “I know what,” she said, “I’ll take both of them!”
Cannibal Roast
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.”Your wife makes a delicious roast, “The chief said.”Thanks,” his friend said. “I’m gonna miss her.”
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”The man says, “Methodist.”St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?””Baptist.””Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?””Jewish.” “Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”St. Peter tells him, “Well the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.
dog
what bleeds and has two legs?
half a dog
Bufflo
One day a cowboy and an indian were hunting bufflo. They were
riding along and the indian got off his horse,put his ear to the
ground and said “bufflo come.”So the cowboy said “how do you
know?””Ear sticky.”
Polak Get Whipped
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe
says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?”
The German responds, “I will take oil!”
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, “What do you want on your back?”
“I will take nothing!” says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
“What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, “I’ll take the Polak!”
Top 10 List Of Songs To Replace “Hail To The Chief” When Introducing President Clinton
10 – “Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac
9 – “Afternoon Delight” by Star Land Vocal Band
8 – “Your Cheatin’ Heart” by Hank Williams
7 – “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places”
6 – “Jive Talkin'” by the Bee Gees
5 – “Honesty (is Such a Lonely Word)” by Billy Joel
4 – “(You Can’t Hide Your) Lying Eyes” by The Eagles
3 – “Ocean Front Property (in Arizona)” by George Strait
2 – “I’d Lie to You for Your Love” by The Bellamy Brothers
1 – “Devil with the Blue Dress” by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels