“I’m fed up with your jealousy,” the furious wife told her husband.
“Do you think I don’t realize you’re having me followed by a detective who’s tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?”
Author: admin
Follow-up appointment
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
“Which one?”, asked the doctor “The patch,” he replied, “the nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours and I’ve run out of places to put it!” The
doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see . .
. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
13 Signs You’re Not At The Real Senate Impeachment
13) Videotaped “deposition” consists solely of Sharon Stone crossing and
uncrossing her legs.
12) Judge Judy unleashes a stern tongue-lashing, telling everyone to “just
grow up.”
11) Senator Moe’s frequent outbursts of “Why, I ought…”
10) Presiding Judge is wearing four gold stripes. And nothing BUT stripes.
9) Mandatory line dancing between votes.
8) Ten minutes into Hamburgler’s testimony, you realize “Mayor McCheese”
*isn’t* a tacky name for Bill Clinton.
7) 15 minute recess involves a slide and monkey bars.
6) Strom Thurmond just moved.
5) George Will is presiding over the hearings and the “Rip Clinton a New
Rectum” motion just passed.
4) No “Eau de Kennedy.”
3) All testimony submitted in the form of a dirty limerick.
2) For $20, “Monica” allows anyone to play the part of “Bill” during the
re-enactment.
1) Only vote against impeachment? Senator John Bobbitt. This list copyright
1999 by Chris White
The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com
Space mission
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.
While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, “Pig#1, do you know your mission?”
The pig replies, “Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink.”
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, “Pig #2, do you know your mission?”
The second pig replies, “Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth, land shuttle. Oink oink.”
Then NASA asks the blonde, “Blonde woman, do you know your mission?”
The blonde woman replies, “Ummmmmmm…. Oh yeah, I remember now. ‘Feed the pigs, and DON’T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo
How Baby’s Are Made
A mother of three is cleaning the kitchen when her youngest girl walks in and asks ‘Mom where do babies come from? ‘Looking surprised she answers, ‘ A baby is made when a man and a woman that love and trust each other go to a bedroom, and the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina and a baby is made. ‘The little girl then says, ‘Oh ok. But last night when I was getting a drink I saw daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get with that? The mother answers, ‘Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.’
What Mom Taught Us
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
My mother taught me RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
My mother taught me LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
My mother taught me IRONY:
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
“It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.”
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t exaggerate!”
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
My mother taught me about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”
Poo!
i am gay i am gay what did i just say. say what it reads.
the prognosis
Paul returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, “Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Alma agrees and again they make love.Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma’s shoulder and said, “Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.” She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.”Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we…?”His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don’t.” >>
It’s Shoots In The Sahara
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were
caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could
each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling
what they had brought.
“I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I’ll have something to eat,”
said the first criminal.
“I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I’ll have something to
drink,” said the second.
“I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Haifa!Haifa who?Haifa cake
Knock KnockWho’s there?Haifa!Haifa who?Haifa cake is better than none!
You might be a Republican if…
You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”
Birth
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one
was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The
doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while
he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed
and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The
doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him
again,” the 5-year-old said, “he shouldn’t have crawled up there in the
first place!”