Author: admin

Computer scientist

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A computer scientist died and of course was immediately sent to hell.

As he gloomily entered the infernal gates, he was amazed to find hell was a vast computer laboratory with equipment beyond his wildest dreams.

There were machines of unbelievable capacity and memory, machines that could work at speeds unheard of on earth.

“What do you think of hell?” asked the devil.

“Wonderful” said the computer scientist, “give me a few discs and let me try these machines out.”

“Ahhhhh!,” grinned the devil. “We’ve got no software down here.”

Dear Tech Support

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

—

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good luck,

Tech Support

A1 Steak Sauce

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The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed with their
new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type guy being served a large plate of
steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart
restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was
standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, “What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don’t?”

But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive,
they changed the headline.

Now it reads: “He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?”

Shhhh!

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The spark had been lost in this guy’s marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.

He thought to himself, “What should I do?”

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.

After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.

He exclaimed, “What are you doing in here?”

She said, “Shhhh!” pointing at the bed, “You’ll wake your mother.”

Submitted by bennto
Edited by Curtis

George W and the VP…

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George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when
George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they
are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it
to you.”

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.
“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when
they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was
really stupid!”

“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the
corner…
You could have called instead?”

Decoy

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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly Rowdy bar for
possible violations of the Driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he
saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try His keys on five
different cars before he found his.
Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, He started his engine and began to
pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, Read him his
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.
The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”