A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn’t find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out ‘Where is the rake?’ She says ‘What!’ so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says ‘eye left tit behind the bush’.
Author: admin
Three Envelopes
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes….#1,#2,#3.”Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” the departing CEO said.Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press — and Wall Street — responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganise.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
Laws of Golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come.
This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural
tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and,
eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number
of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be
proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf
ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does,
the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing
partners must solemnly chant “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the
universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself
as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate
golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn’t, how do you explain the way it works
against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the
clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone
in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of
a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS
agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another,
particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: “Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly,
“tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, sucker.”
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one
who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your
score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the
sunset of the same day.
Out in the middle of
Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary
living with a tribe of black natives.
On day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into
his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white
man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and
that since he’s the only white man for thousands of miles, he will
be the main course that night.
“Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain chief,”
says the Missionary. “You’re jumping to conclusions here. Let me
tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and
how there’s one black one amongst them.”
“OK!” says the Chief,” You say nothing, I say nothing!”
Bleaching
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery.
The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I�m getting a boob job.”
The second woman says, “oh, that’s nothing, I�m thinking of having my******
bleached!”
To which the first replies, “Wow, I just can’t picture your husband as a
blonde!”
Bar: Cockney Steering Wheel
A guy walks into a pub and says, ”Can you remove this steering wheel from my
pants?”
The bartender says, ”Why is that there? Is it annoying?”
“Yes,” the man said, ”it’s driving me nuts.”
Yo momma
yo momma so fat i rolled over 5 times and was still on top
He shouldn’t have asked!
MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.
She was young, sweet and pretty.
One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room she said, “Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?”
He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary who was quite witty said, “Why no Mr. Smith.
All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.”
Pirates adventure
A pirate walked into a bar, the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“what about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I am fine now.”
“Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?’
“We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I am fine, really.”
“So, what about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, I looked up, and one of the pooped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye from some bird poop.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by calamjo
A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside
Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?
A. A pussy, cause you have to leave the bags outside.
Alcohol Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Blonde ice fishing
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”.
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
“How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those holes.”