A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says. “Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower. Send him in.”The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?
Author: admin
The fukin tree
There was a lumberjack who got horny one day. So he asked his boss what if I get horny. You go to the fukin tree and stick your dick in the hole. So next day he went there and it felt good. Next day he got horny and went again and it felt better. Next day he went there and nothing happened. So he went to the boss and asked him why. The boss said its your day in the tree.
British Undergarments (News Item)
LONDON (AP) — Saucy? The British? Yes, and keeping well abreast of the latest science, judging by a new exhibition of — er — underwear at London’s Design Museum. Here, the nation famed for its reserve has raised its hem, offering a peep at sheepskin corsets, barely-there cashmere vests and a glow-in-the-dark bra.Should all the titillation prove too much, there’s also a bra that detects a racing heartbeat and a pair of panties that protects against radiation. “This exhibit is a compelling statement about British design — but it’s also quite saucy,” said Dame Helena Kennedy, a leading lawyer and chairwoman of the British Council, which launched the show Wednesday.“The perception of British people as being strait-laced is no longer real,” Kennedy said. To prove it, the displays are almost as provocative as the garments. Vivienne Westwood’s blue sheepskin corset and ditzy, star-patterned mini-crinoline and Alexander McQueen’s pink satin corset crusted with black Swarovski crystal are suspended inside giant inflatable women’s legs in transparent plastic. Vacuum-packed thongs and Clements Ribeiro’s red silk chiffon panties with polka dots hang from pegs on a washline. Near the entrance, a mannequin sprawls seductively on her back, a vision in pink fishnet stockings and the briefest green teddy and panties by the aptly named Agent Provocateur.And everywhere there are bras to make even 1950s “sweater girl” Lana Turner envious — from Gossard’s new padded Ultrabra Super Boost in patriotic red-white-and-blue, to Stella McCartney’s tassels and gray beads, to Agent Provocateur’s sliced-away style in sheer black net.For the traditionally minded, there are the more substantial constructions of Rigby and Peller (they put the foundation in foundation garments), suppliers of spine-stiffening unmentionables to the royal family since the 1960s. Owner June Kenton, personal bra fitter to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Mother Elizabeth, believes 80 percent of all women are wearing the wrong size bra “and have two drawers-full of bras that they don’t wear.”Rigby and Peller’s offerings contrast with the futuristic Techno Bra, made of conductive textile with silicon gel inserts that contain electronic devices to detect heartbeat changes. A British industrial design company is developing the piece for the commercial market and designer Kirsty Falconer hopes it may one day incorporate a personal alarm that will sound if the wearer is attacked. Constructed in a dun-colored conductive nylon and silver fabric, the anti-radiation panties are no thing of beauty. But if, as their makers claim, they drain electricity from the body — thereby protecting it from magnetic radiation — can you afford to be without them? The exhibition runs through July 2, then tours Japan and Australia.
If God Made Software …
If God made software …
… It would always work, and work perfectly every time.
… It would have every feature a user REALLY needed.
… The software would never expire or go out of date.
… It would come with automatic back-up and rescue utilities.
… It would recommend votive candles for installation, training, and
support.
… Upgrades could be installed with a little extra effort on the user’s
part, but would come with built-in support.
… Help would be available 24 x 7 at no charge.
… Support calls would never have busy signals or voice menus.
… Support for the product would never be discontinued.
… It wouldn’t be junk.
… It would be compliant for all millenia.
… Help for one application would work for all other applications.
… Games would teach us important life lessons, too.
… It would be immune to viruses (and XXX web sites).
… It would work on every hardware platform and every user configuration.
… The software would work particularly well when the hardware was
failing.
… You wouldn’t need any kind of special peripheral device or internet
connection.
… You should always have enough memory to run it.
… A monopoly would be a good thing.
A nasty rainy morning
A nasty rainy morning. Husband wakes up, gathers his stuff and goes hunting.
He walks to the street, the rain becomes unbearable so he decides to return,
opens the door and dives back into the bed. Wife, half asleep:
– Hi. Can you imagine, my moron went out hunting!
W..O..M..B..
Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.”
The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.”
The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.”
The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”
6 Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.
“Yeah, my wife…”
Lead
Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?
A. Because they can’t hang onto a lead.
Dark ages
why do we sometimes call the middle ages the dark ages?
becasue they have knights
Jesus Christ
Three wise men were outside the stable and they say lets be quiet cos theres a baby inside. The first wise man walks in and steps on a rake and he says Jesus Christ and Mary says What a lovely name we were gonna call him Albert
Sub
Q: What is long, hard, and full of seamen?
A: A submarine!
The Secret of Happy Old Man
A traveller saw a very old man that was also seemingly very
happy. The traveller asked the old man, “You’re so old, what’s
your secret to staying so happy?”
The man replied, “Well, I smoke 6 packs a day as well as smoke a
pipe. I stay up till 5am every night partying and drinking until
I barf. And I’m on lots of drugs and medication.”
“So how old ar you?”
The man replied, “25.”