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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”
The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent
The Top 13 Retractions Printed by the NY Times in 1998
13 “Correction: The cookie recipe in question cost $350, not $250 as previously reported.”
12 “Earlier this year, the Times mistakenly reported that software magnate Bill Gates is a money-hungry, maladapted, socially awkward loser. He is, in fact, a bloodsucking cob-nobbler. The Times regrets the error.”
11 “We wish to apologize for calling the former Australian Prime minister, Paul Keating, the lowest slime-ball in the country. We meant in THEIR country.”
10 “Due to a typographical error yesterday, we mistakenly printed the entire Wall Street Journal under our banner. It should have been the Washington Post. Sorry.”
9 “Okay, so it was a blue dress, not a red skirt. Get off our backs already!”
8 “In Thursday’s edition of the Times, we erroneously reported the stories of five people who experienced bad luck as a result of not forwarding an e-mail message…”
7 “This mistake will never happen again. We apologize to the Top 5 subscribers, contributors and the list moderator, Chris Whitewater.”
6 “Recently, pop singer George Michael was caught masturbating in a public restroom yesterday. He was not, as reported in this newspaper, actually choking a chicken.”
5 “It has come to the attention of the Times that disk jockey Fred LeFebvre of KISS-FM in Toledo was not actually the recipient of a MacArthur ‘Genius Grant.'”
4 “Evidently, there are no Klingons on Uranus after all. Sorry for the confusion.”
3 “Our article describing O.J. Simpson as ‘slashing out’ over the prospect of losing his children contained a regrettable typo…”
2 “As it turns out, the Banana Republic dictatorship is actually just a clothing store.”
and Top5’s Number 1 Other Retraction Printed by the NY Times in 1998…
1 “Miss Lewinsky did not give the President a snow job, as reported in some editions yesterday.”
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.”Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instryct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it, gave her the basics and sent
her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 ft., she radioed in. “I’m doing great! I love it!
The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”
After 2000 ft., she radioed again, saying how easy it was learning to fly.
The instructor watched her climb over 3000 ft., and was beginning to worry
that she hadn’t radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile
away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened she said, “I don’t know! Everything was going
fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember
anyting after I turned off the big fan.”
The Cohens were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry. ‘No fancy stuff, Doctor,’ he ordered, ‘No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.’ ‘I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,’ said the dentist admiringly. ‘Now, which tooth is it?’ Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. ‘Show him, honey.’
After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day – when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!””No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?””I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?” the first asked, breathlessly. “Who is this man?””I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”
A dead Scotsman.
Two men working in a facory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.
“How are you going to do that?”
“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied.”I’m a lightbulb.”
“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.
“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.
They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.
He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”
The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?
They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Q. What does a bull do to stay warm on a bitterly cold day?
A. He goes into the barn and slips into a nice warm “Jersey”
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.”How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.”Crutches???” the doctor asked.”Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”
Mother calls up stairs, “You boys better get down here and eat your breakfast or you’ll be late for school!”
As they are ambling down, the 5-year-old turns to the 4-year-old, stops and says, “Today we’re gonna learn to swear!” The 4-year-old gives a fearful look.
The 5-year-old continues, “When we get to the table, I’ll say ‘hell’ and you say ‘ass’!” The 4-year-old agrees with reservation.
They seat themselves at the table. Mother greets them. “Good morning boys! What would you like for breakfast?”
The 5-year-old leans back and cocks his head… “Hell Mom! I’ll have Cheerios!”
He is promptly escorted to another room while the 4-year-old seated at the table grimaces upon hearing the wailing cries of big brother getting a serious licking.
Mother returns with sniffling 5-year-old. She turns to 4-year-old and says compassionately, “Well now, what would you like for breakfast?”
The 4-year-old replies, “I don’t know ma…
But you can bet your ass it ain’t Cheerios!”