A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, “Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?”
“Yes,” she replied in a loud voice, “I’m the receptionist at the V.D. clinic.”
Author: admin
The Farmer and his boys…
A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car.
His father said, “Son, come here.” He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, “This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it’s paid for, we’ll get you a car”.
The boy was not too happy, but was understanding.
A week later, his second son approached him wanting a motorcycle.
“Well”, the father said, “as soon as the tractor is paid for we’ll see about getting you your scooter.”
Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a bike.
Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father’s explanation, saw the farm rooster doing it’s rooster duty with one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hen’s back, mumbling to himself.
His dad asked, “Son, now why would you do something like that?
He didn’t do anything to deserve that.”
The third son replied, “Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that tractor gets paid off!”
Una secretaria llega a la
Una secretaria llega a la oficina con un impresionante abrigo de vis�n.
Asombrada, su compa�era le pregunta que de d�nde lo ha sacado.
“Pues mira, ayer el jefe me invit� a cenar; despu�s me llev� a su casa; abri� un gran armario lleno de maravillosos abrigos y me dijo: ‘escoge el que quieras’, y yo escog� �ste”.
“Ya, bueno, pero �t� le habr�s tenido que hacer algo! �no?”
“Bueno s�, la verdad es que he tenido que sacarle el bajo porque me quedaba un poco corto…”
Working Dogs
Three guys sitting in a bar around a log fire with their dogs and get talkin’ about them. First one says “My dog is called woodworker.. go woodworker.” The dog grabs a log from fire and with his teeth and paws fashions a beautiful figurine. Next one says “My dog is called stoneworker.. go stoneworker” The dog drags a rock from the fire front and a beautiful carving emerges. Third one says “My dog is called iron worker” he puts the fire tongs into the fire and gets them red hot. “Now,” he says “I’ll just touch him on the balls and you watch him make a bolt for the door.”
Put-downs Galore!
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists… Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He’s so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him an hour and a half to watch “60 Minutes”.
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Smile!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
“First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner.
“Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspecdor asked, “What of the third body?”
“Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“Thought he was having his picture taken.
Your satellite dish payment delays
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
You cannot kill time without
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
Enlightenment Quiz
Enlightenment Quiz
1. Yin and ………
A) Yout
B) Tonic
C) Yenta
D) Yang
2. A Zen koan is ……..>
A) A Jewish Buddhist
B) All of the above
C) None of the above
D) None of the above
3. Just before total God-realization I would see…….>
A) A blue pearl
B) Nothing
C) Everything
D) How would I know?
4. Lao-Tsu is…….
A) Shrimp with fried rice
B) The Atman Brothers
C) A Japanese word for sneeze
D) Someone you should know about
5) Jivatman and Atman merge to become…….
A) Jivatmanatman
B) The Atman Brothers
C) Jivatman & Atman Inc.
D) Mr. & Mrs. Atman
6) The word or words which best describes the relationship of God, Guru, and Self is:-
A) Oneness
B) Twoness
C) Penpalness
D) Just good friends
7) Which of the following is not a name of the Lord?>
A) Jehova
B) Elohim
C) Yahweh
D) Charlton Heston
8) If you swap a Swami with a Yogi you get…….
A) A Swogi
B) A Salami
C) Yogurt
D) Heartburn
9) Carlos Castaneda is:
A) A flamenco dancer
B) A resort near San Juan
C) A mystery
D) The guitarist for Santana
10) Om Mani Padme Om means:-
A) O Manny, pardon my home
B) Money talks, nobody walks in
C) If u cn rd ths msg u cn gt a gd jb
D) Sanskrit for, Never having to say you’re sorry
11) The sound of one hand clapping is:
A) Very quiet
B) Similar to smiling with one lip
C) A Zen record shop
D) Like the “p” in swimming
12) Linguine is to fettucine as kundalini is to:
A) Eenie meenie
B) Halloweenie
C) Harry Houdini
D) Pepto Bismol (this is a silly answer)
13) The Tao Te Ching is:
A) The new premier of China
B) A new record by Cheech and Chong
C) I Ching’s older brother
D) A fine Chinese restaurant in New York
14) You arrive at a party and your host says, “Far out, I want to take the responsibility for creating space in your universe so you can experience your experience.” He means:
A) “Have a good time”
B) “Don’t eat the Swedish meatballs”
C) “I just completed EST training”
D) Nothing anyone would understand
15) If three devotees can meditate for a total of nine hours, how many devotees would it take to mow the lawn?
16) If three devotees can mow the lawn in one hour, how many stoned devotees would it take to meditate until nobody cared?
17) If shakti was rising toward the fourth chakra at a rate of 3.5 pranayamas per second, and at the same time an energy force was traveling in the opposite direction at a rate of 4.8 pranayamas per second, what time would it be in Chicago if we woke up in Los Angeles?
True-False
_______Ramakrishna is a cereal made with rice and maple flavoring.
_______Satori is better than nirvana and samadhi except on weekends and holidays.
_______Sufi dancing is like square dancing only rounder.
_______The Tibetan Book of the Dead is a novel by Harold Robbins.
Score
0-5 points: You are hopelessly attached to the wheel of life and death. Try again next incarnation!
6-10 points: You are largely unconscious and stuck in worldly pleasures.
10-15 points: You are so-so on the enlightenment scale. Keep reading the New Sun.
15-20 points: You are a very conscious being; with a little good karma you could go a long way.
20-25 points: You are very close to True Awareness
[Where do you find the answer key? AH – that is the REAL test…..]Makes you think?
Why do tugboats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we have hot water heaters?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game,” when we are already there?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does an alarm clock “go off” when it begins ringing?
Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why don’t you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why is a women’s prison called a penal colony?
Why is it called a “building” when it is already built?
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Wanna See My Wee-Wee?
In India, it is customary that a girl is a virgin until her
first marriage night. In order to enquire of his fiance’s
character, a man comes up with a plan. He takes her for a ride.
On the way, he unzips his pants and asks, “Darling, do you wanna
see my wee-wee?” She is embarrassed and replies in the negative.
Again when they are alone, he unzips his pants and asks her,
“Honey, do you wanna see my wee-wee?” She refuses. This goes on
for a few more times until the man is convinced of her
virginity. They get married and have their first sexual
encounter.
The man undresses and takes out his organ. The wife gets
excited, “So this is your wee-wee!” The husband smiles and says,
“Honey, now you may call it a COCK.” The girl answers sweetly,
“No, this is a wee-wee. A cock is long and thick and black.”
Viagra Falls
Have you heard where many senior citizens are opting to spend their second or even third honeymoons?
Viagra Falls.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo