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Van dos sacerdotes caminando por la calle y en sentido contrario viene una bella mujer que se est� pudriendo de lo buenota que est�. De pronto sopla el viento, le levanta la falda y se le ven unos carnosos muslos y una cadera suculenta.
“Padre, �usted no es sensible a estas situaciones?” dice uno de los sacerdotes.
“�Hermano, si la sotana fuera de hierro usted hubiese quedado sordo del campanazo!”
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking.
Here speeching American.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Why are Englishmen better lovers than Frenchmen? They can stay on top for 89 minutes and still loose!
Q: What do the L.A.P.D. and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
A: Neither could catch a Bronco!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Isaac!Isaac who?Isaac coming out?
How do you spell Canada?
*C-EH N-EH D-EH.
1. Tell the widow you’re sure you saw him move.
2. Go to the funeral dressed as the deceased, and call the widow
a fraud.
3. Bring a dog to the funeral and have him play dead.
4. Sign the deceased’s name in the guest register.
5. Ask the widow to pose for a picture with her arm around the
coffin, and then stall for a long time, pretending you can’t get
the camera to work, finally giving up because the batteries are
dead.
6. Bring a shovel to the church.
7. Ask the widow if you think it would do any good to shake him.
8. Put waxed lips on the body.
9. Ask the widow how long she’s been sure he’s dead.
10. Tell the widow alot of his favorite TV shows were cancelled
anyway.
11. Put a bumper sticker on the hearse that says “I’d rather be
breathing.”
12. Ask the widow how long it will be before she starts dating.
13. Tell the deceased’s mother that you never expected them to
go in this order.
14. Put a parking ticket on the coffin.
15. Clam on the body.
16. Ask the widow if she’s going to ride to the cemetery with
the body.
17. Hide behind the casket and talk to the mourners as they
kneel in front of the body.
18. Send the widow a singing telegram from the deceased.
19. Tell the younger children at the funeral that it is
appropriate to sign the coffin.
20. Ask the widow if you can take a finger.
21. Tell the widow in a loud stage whisper, “I’ll bet this is
costing you a pretty penny.”
22. Ask the deceased’s mother what she was doing when she got
the news.
23. Tell the widow that the body doesn’t look comfortable.
24. Ask the widow if she’s aware of any job openings.
25. Comment often on the similarity between John F. Kennedy and
the deceased.
26. Tell the widow you think he’d look better on his side.
27. Tell the widow you suspect foul play.
28. Keep trying to French kiss the widow.
29. Entertain the guests with a hand-puppet replica of the
deceased.
30. Put a lit cigarette in the deceased’s mouth.
31. Put a pair of shoes under the coffin.
32. Wear a “Grateful Dead” t-shirt to the wake.
33. Read this list to the mourners.
34. Put a check to the deceased’s favorite charity in the coffin.
35. Sing “Tea For One” at the church.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?” St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.””Fine, but where should I go first?””I’ll leave that up to you.””Okay then,” said Bill, Let’s try Hell first.”So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!””Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went.Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter.”Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.”So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?””That was a demo,” replied St. Peter.
Fuck is such a versatile word…
Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I’m fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck…?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn’t fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It’s Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.
The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:
Where the fuck is all that water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic
That’s not a fucking real gun.
-John Lennon
Who’s going to fucking know?
-President Nixon
Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein
What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima
It fucking does “so” look like her.
-Picasso
How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras
You want “what” on the fucking ceiling?
-Michelangelo
Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney
Scattered showers my fucking ass!
-Noah
Pick up the fuckin’ phone!
-E.T.
Fuck Logic!
-Spock
I can’t breathe in this fucking thing!
-Darth Vader
Fuck I’m hungry!
-Ghandi!
Do or do not, there is no fuckin’ try!
-Yoda
One day a boy named Agaf was incredibly horny. He loved the
queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him
happy for life. He went to the village elder (wise man) to find
out how to cure his quarms.
“I need to suck the queens breasts,” Agaf said. “How much are
you paying?” the elder asked. “Nothing is free!” “A million
pounds,” Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and then not
pay becase once he had the suck nothing else mattered. “OK.”
So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching
powder into the queens bra. The itch would last two whole days.
When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her
breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was
obsurd.
In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the
king asked the elder for help, as you do! Everything was going
to plan so far!
“Elder,” the king said. “My wife is in immense pain because she
has got a pain in her breasts.” “I know what to do!” the elder
said. “Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical
saliva to cure the itch. You will have to let him suck your wifs
breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone.” The
king wasn’t happy about this but he agreed.
So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat,
and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two
days anyway.
So then the elder called in Agaf and said, “You got your wish.
Now pay me!” “No chance wanker!” Agaf said and walked out.
So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something
that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got
it… He would put itching powder in the kings underpants!
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on
autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. “You must be
capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no
sense of fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead
man’s anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of
them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.
“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck
my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index.