Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?Doctor: Sell!
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Author: admin
Banana Loaf
2 laughing eyes
2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl
1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !
Do You Serve….
A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the
bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” said the bartender.
“Good,” replied the man. “Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my
‘gator.”
When large numbers of men are unable to find…
When large numbers of men are unable to find work,
unemployment results.
– Calvin Coolidge
Stories
How many lawyer jokes are there?
3, the rest are true stories.
U suck
Q=what does a women and the ketchup have in common A=they both give taste to winners
1st Time Muggers
10. After taking money, asks if you want a receipt.
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he’s got skis and poles.
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick7.
When he’s done he says, “That was fun, now you mug me”.
6. You’re a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles.
5. When you yell “stop thief”. . . he does.
4. During police line-up he waves to you and shouts “remember me”.
3. Tells you he wouldn’t be doing this if Sienfeld hadn’t been cancelled.
2. He keeps saying, “You understand I’m doing this for the baby and Marla”.
1. Accepts IOU’s…and phone cards.
Mechanical arm
There once was a man who lost his arms in a car accident. One
day he won a million dollar lottery. After a moment of thought,
he rushed to the hospital and asked their top surgeon whether he
could get his arms back for a million dollars.
“Wow,” the doctor replied, “I just invented a completely voice
activated mechanical arm, but I can only give you one though.”
So he showed him some of the stuff the arm could do and the man
was amazed and bought the arm.
The next day he went to the pub with his friends to show off his
new advanced arm. As they sat together he told the arm to pick
up his pint of beer and give him a sip. The arm did it perfectly
and the friends were amazed.
After a few pints the man went for a piss. He told the arm to
take his penis out and away he pissed. Then he tells the arm to,
“give it a little shake.” The arm does and the man enjoyed it,
and so he looks around to make sure no one is looking and tells
the arm to give it another little shake.
He gets a boner and once again turns around to make sure
nobody’s watching and then tells the arm, “Jerk it off!” The arm
pulls off his penis and the man screams out, in pain, “Fuck Me!”
So the arm then shoves his penis up his ass. The man even more
shocked at this stage shouts out, “Holy shit, would you look at
that.” The arm pulls his penis out of his ass and shoves it
right into one of his eyeballs!
Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, ”Vietnam, 1969.” The other points his thumb behind him and says, ”Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
Last Name
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told
him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first
thing the manager asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a
namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone
by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a
breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last
name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that
straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
Falling bears
Q. Why did the 1st koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.
Q. Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because the first koala knocked it out on his way down.
Who Said That?
It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”? Again, no response except from Suzuki. “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Suzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.” he heard a loud whisper: “Fuck the Japs.”
“Who said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.” At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re fucked.”
Suzuki said, “The Taliban! 2001”