Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the
time and have the time of your life.
Author: admin
Identity Crisis
Late one night at the insane asylum, an inmate shouted, “I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, “How do you know?” The first inmate said, “God told me!” A
voice from another room shouted, “I did not!”
Jock vs. nerd
Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?
$ Michael Jordan having “retired,” with $40 million in endorsements, makes
$178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $7.00, but he’ll make $18,550
while he’s there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He’ll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at
8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you ‘d be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He’ll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn’t it? However…
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have
less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
Clinton one-liner
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.
Hit and run
Yo mamma sooo FAT that when she was walking down the street she got hit by a bus,then turned around and said who pitched that rock.
HMO in Heaven
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God
asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to
God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, ”Welcome to
heaven, my son.”
God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him
into heaven. ”I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease,”
the doctor replies. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man
replied that he worked for an HMO. ”Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God,
”but you have to leave in two days.”
Blues shirt in bed
What is your wife trying to tell you if she’s wearing a Blues shirt in bed?
You ain’t gonna a score – ever.
Court witness
The prosecuting attorney had just called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman. Approaching her, he asked, “Do you know me, Mrs. Jackson?”
“I certainly do, Mr. Craine, since you were a small boy,” she responded. “Actually, you’ve been a very big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and are a hypocrite. You think you’re some big shot, when in reality you’re nothing more than a paper-pusher. You bet I know you.”
Stunned and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jackson, do you know the defense attorney?”
She replied, “Yes, I do. In fact, I used to babysit Mr. Nelson when he was a small boy. He, too, has been a great disappointment to me. He not only has a drinking problem, but he’s lazy and a bigot. His law practice has a reputation of being one of the shoddiest in town. Yes, I sure do know him.”
The judge immediately silenced the uproar in the courtroom and asked both counselors to approach the bench.
Giving them both the evil eye, he said in a whisper, “If either of you dare ask her if she knows me, you will be jailed for contempt!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Divorce…
A man was summoned to court for punching his lawyer.
During the process, the Judge asked him to explain his actions.
“Your Honor,” replied the defendant, “that man represented me in a bitter divorce. One day he said my property settlement hearing was about to be held. The judge would decide that afternoon what I would get, and what Rose would get. My lawyer told me I didn’t have to be present and “not to worry.”
“I can’t see why you’d punch a man for that,” interrupted the judge.
“Wait, there’s more…
When I asked my attorney later about the settlement, he told me to look on the bright side. I asked why.
Then he said, “Because everything’s coming up Rose’s.”
“THAT’S when I hit him!”
Two bannanas and a bomb
There are three men in an airplane. They have two bannanas and a bomb. They drop the first bannana in Kansas, and then went down to see where it landed. When they went down they saw a guy crying. They asked,”Why are you crying?” He said,” A bannana landed on my head!”
They went back into the air and dropped another bannana in Florida. The same thing happened there.
They finnaly dropped the bomb in Nebraska. The bomb landed and they went down to see what it hit. When they went down they saw a guy laughing. They asked him,”Why are you laughing?” He said,”I farted and my house blew up!”
Guy Bashing
Men are like department stores…. their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations…. they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers… hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers… load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like coffee…. the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes…. they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers… they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don’t mow lawns
——————————————————————————–
Q: What are two reasons men don’t mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends
——————————————————————————–
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties
——————————————————————————–
Q: Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they’re all pigs
Why dont women need a license?
Why dont women need a license?
There is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom!