A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!”
Author: admin
Organic Foods
The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.
She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, “I don’t think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn’t find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were.
“He didn’t know what I was talking about so I said, ‘These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’
“And he said, ‘No, ma’am. You’ll have to do that yourself.'”
Next morning
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she see him well.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, “What’s THAT?”, pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, “Well, that’s what we had so much fun with last night.”
And she, in amazement, asked, “Is that all we have left?”
V.D. check
Patti, a well-stacked blonde, sat on the examining table.
Dr Donovan placed his hand on her bare breast, “You know what I’m doing, don’t you?” he asked.
“Yes,” she murmured, “You’re checking for breast cancer.”
Donovan then began caressing her stomach. “Of course,” he continued, “you know what I’m doing.”
“Yes,” she smiled. “You’re checking my appendix.”
By now the M.D. couldn’t control himself any longer. He ripped off his clothes and began making love to her.
“You know what I’m doing, don’t you?” he gasped.
“Yes,” she replied. “You’re checking for VD . . . and that’s what I came here for.”
Lightbulbs
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three…one to change the bulb, one to call the media to publicize it, and one to blame the electric bill on the democrats.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Function of a Dog on Fire Truck
A nursery school teacher was driving a station wagon full of kids home one
day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire
truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”
A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she
said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”
Alcatraz Triathalon…
Alcatraz Triathalon
Dig,
Swim,
Run
Vasectomy time
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife/cousin did not want to have any more children.The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (big firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’So the couple drove across the state border into Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count ‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5…’ at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
Borschtbelt Zinger
You’re so fat, when you sit around the house you really sit around the house.
Hair color
“Miss Reynolds, we can’t hire you as a model�, the editor from the men’s
magazine explained. “It’s obvious that your blonde hair isn’t natural, since the
hair between your legs is black.”
The young model picked up the magazine editor’s bowling ball and slammed it
down on his fingers.
� What the hell did you do that for!” he exploded.
She smiled sweetly and said, “Look at your fingers. They’re turning black,
right? And they’ve only been banged once.”
Jewish Santa Claus
What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
“Ho ho ho! Any of you kids wanna buy some toys?”
YourMamma and Sea World
Your Mamma is so fat she went to Sea World and people pointed and said Its Shammoo!