Sign in a gas station: Coke — 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
Author: admin
Computer lingo guide
Log off – Don’t add a log to your wood stove
Becky estaba en su lecho
Becky estaba en su lecho de muerte. Su esposo, Jake, manten�a constante vigilia a su lado. �l sosten�a su fr�gil mano, y mientras las l�grimas rodaban por sus mejillas, �l oraba por su esposa.
Ella lo mir� y sus p�lidos labios comenzaron a moverse quedamente:
“Mi amado Jake” susurr�.
“Calla mi amada” dijo �l “Descansa. Shhh. No hables.”
Ella, insistentemente, dijo con cansada voz:
“Tengo algo que confesarte”.
“No hay nada que confesar” dijo sollozante Jake “Todo est� bien,duerme…”
“No, no, yo debo morir en paz, Jake. Yo me acost� con tu hermano, tu mejor amigo y tu padre.”
“Ya lo s�” replic� Jake ” …�por eso te envenen� !”
Join the Army
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper. After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane. The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader said to the young man, “IF YOU DON”T JUMP OUT OF THIS PLANE I’LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!”
A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his father what happened and he said, “did you jump?”
The boy said, “A little at first!”
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”
Timbucktwo
There was a teacher who wanted two boys to make up a sentence with timbucktwo.
Firstboy:
me and my mum went on holiday to timbucktwo.
Teacher:
very well done.
secondboy:
Me and my mate tim were walking down the street and saw three ladies I bucked one and timbuckedtwo
Mother In Law
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.’
‘My darling,’ he replied, ‘think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION…
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name:______________
First name:______________
(_) Billy-Bob (_) Bobby-Sue
(_) Billy-Joe (_) Bobby-Jo
(_) Billy-Ray (_) Bobby-Ann
(_) Billy-Sue (_) Bobby-Lee
(_) Billy-Mae (_) Bobby-Ellen
(_) Billy-Jack (_) Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
(_) Badd-Teddy Bob
Age:_____(if unsure, guess)
Sex: (_)M (_)F (_)None
Shoe Size:______Left_____Right
Occupation:
(_) Farmer (_) Mechanic
(_) Hair Dresser (_) Waitress
(_) Un-employed (_) Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name:_________________
2nd Spouse’s Name:______________
3rd Spouse’s Name_______________
Lover’s Name:___________________
2nd Lover’s Name:_______________
Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister (_) Aunt
(_) Brother (_) Uncle
(_) Mother (_) Son
(_) Father (_) Daughter
(_) Cousin (_) Pet
Number of children living in household:_____
Number of children living in shed:________
Number of children that are yours:________
Mother’s Name:_______________________(Relation_______)
Father’s Name:________________________(Relation_______)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major?
(_) 5th grade (_) 6th grade
Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
____Total number of vehicles you own
____Number of vehicles that still crank
____Number of vehicles in front yard
____Number of vehicles in back yard
____Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you stared drvin ____
( if over 10 are you still slow lerrnin? (_) Yes (_) No
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck ____kitchen
____bedroom ____bathroom/outhouse
____shed ____pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup:___________194__
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to :
(_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe
(_) TVGuide (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun (_) Bassmasters
____Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
____Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
____Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
Do you hunt Bear? If so, please do not explain
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not applicble
How many teeth in YOUR mouth?_____
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow (_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown (_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_) Red-Man (_) Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) don’t know
Distance between mobile home and Bubba’s House of Beer?____
How many times has you received a DWI this year?____
KKK’s weapon of choice
Whats the kkk’s wapon of choice?
A chainsaw, because it goes “runnigganiggarun…”
The Trade
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his
arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the
case of beer for?” “I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob. “Oh!”
exclaims Doug, “Good trade!”
Iron mike
Iron BITE Tyson, the heavyweight CHOMP of the world!
I never could before
“Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
“Yes, of course…”
“Great! I never could before!”