Martin woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.”You see that thing, woman?” he happily exclaimed.”What do you think we ought to do with it?”With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it.”
Author: admin
Health Inspector
The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.”That’s nothing,” said the manager, “you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!”
A Smart Salesman!
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked –
“Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?”
Aghast, the man said, “are you NUTS?, that’s robbery!”
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again –
“Sir, since you are a bit irate, I’ll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly – “you must be crazy pal, now go away!”
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy –
“Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much”.
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
“HEY,” he snarled, “this brownie tastes like crap!!!”
“It is,” replied the salesman. “Wanna buy some mouthwash?”
Ewes Be Quiet
Did you hear they are making a sequel to “Silence of the Lambs,” and they
are filming in Cape Breton?
Yeah, its called “Ewes Be Quiet.”
Gator
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put
the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished
patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth
and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his
mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove
my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each
of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed
his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his
mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a
beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first
of his free drinks was delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone
$100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
blonde timidly spoke up, “I’ll try, but you have to promise not
to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Crazy Time Virus Warning
Folks, I don’t normally send out virus warnings, but this one is
extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!
If you receive an email entitled “Crazy Times” delete it
immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it
will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your
computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on
your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s
you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so
all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law’s number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and
bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind
your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with
Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind
your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active
verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable
misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key
sentences.
If the “Crazy Times” message is opened in a Windows 95
environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your
hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole
milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing
it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!
Y2K Status Report
“Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y-to-K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
and…:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
We’ll await your direction.”
Sick?
Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise.
The husband says, “Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.”
“Good idea,” she says. “While you’re in there, pick me up some Dramamine.”
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, “I’d like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.”
“Yes sir,” says the clerk, “but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Una pareja est� haciendo el
Una pareja est� haciendo el 69; de repente �l exclama:
“�Hostias, se ha muerto el obispo de Murcia!”
Ella le reclama:
“Conc�ntrate en lo que est�s haciendo, �no?”
El t�o replica:
“�Hombre, si no te limpiaras el co�o con papel de peri�dico…!”
A home in Heaven
A lawyer died and appeared at the Pearly Gates at the exact same time as
the Pope, who just also happened to die that very day.
Upon their arrival an angel appears and announces “Please come with me. I
will show you where you will spend eternity.”
They follow the angel and soon come to a run down, ramshackle cabin that
looks like it will fall over in the next big wind. The angel tells the
Pope “This is where you will live from now on.”
The Pope quietly goes inside and the angel and the lawyer continue along
their way.
Soon they come to this gorgeous mansion in the clouds. It’s a spectacular
example of the finest workmanship available in Heaven with a view from
here to eternity. The angel tells the lawyer “This is where you will live
from now on.”
The lawyer is amazed. He says “This is great and I really appreciate it,
but I think something is wrong. That other man, he’s the Pope! I’m only a
common attorney. Why do I get to live in a fantastic place like this when
the Pope only gets a run down shack?”
“You have to understand.” said the angel. “Up here Popes are no big deal.
We’ve got a hundred of ’em. But you’re the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”
Question and answer Clinton joke
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president’s spouse, Bill Clinton.
Chicken and the road thru history.
Famous interpretations of “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we’ll find out.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what “they” call it: the “other side”. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.