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Robo Teacher

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the
upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On
the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself
assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as
possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his
tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Selling a horse

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An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour’s lawn; ‘Horse for Sale’. Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour’s stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion. ‘Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale.’ Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. ‘Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale.’ ‘This horse here?’ quizzes the old farmer, ‘Why he’s a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?’ ‘Well,’ sighs the Italian farmer, ‘He no looka so good anymore.’ The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. ‘That ol’ cheat sold me a near blind horse!’ growls the old farmer. He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. ‘You sold me a near blind horse you ol’ cheat and you didn’t even tell me!’ he screams. ‘Eh! I tolla you!’ cries the Italian farmer, ‘I say, ‘he no looka so good anymore!’ ‘

The nun get’s her fortune

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This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.

So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, Your a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I’m going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that’s wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I’ve got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to break wind. She thinks I know it’s wrong now I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I’ve got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., your going to Chicago Ill. and your going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it. I know for sure its wrong now, I’m a nun, ain’t ever had none, and ain’t ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped… She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I’ve got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. Your a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!

The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men’s Union

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16> You catch yourself thinking, “You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows.”

15> “What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?”

14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.

13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.

12> “Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!”

11> “You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it’s just like ballet!”

10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.

9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the “artistic impression” scores in figure skating.

8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher’s farewell concert on TV.

7> You complain that the “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” movie was not true to the book.

6> Sure, it’s the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you’ve had a lot to drink, but you can’t resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they’d been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.

5> Your “Bridges of Madison County” lunch box.

4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.

3> You ask your barber to give you a “Richard Simmons.”

2> When the guys put you in charge of “entertainment” for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.

1> “No oral sex for me tonight, honey — I don’t feel very fresh down there.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Skin Transplant Surgery

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some
of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was
suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin
came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all,
this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new
beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and
relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at
his sacrifice.

She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There
is no way I could ever repay you.”

� My darling,” he replied, “thinks nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Una moto (un Vespino) se

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Una moto (un Vespino) se pone al lado de un Ferrari para pedirle fuego y el t�o del coche mira el marcador y ve que va 200 x hora y le pisa m�s, y el Vespino se pone otra vez al lado y le pide fuego y el del Ferrari mira otra vez el marcador y ve que va 260, y le pisa m�s.

El Vespino insiste y se pone al lado otra vez y le vuelve a pedir fuego y el t�o del Ferrari baja la ventanilla y le dice:

“�Que te vas a matar!”

Y dice el del Vespino:

“�Que va hombre, si yo fumo poco!”