How do crazy men go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Author: admin
Douche
Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?
There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.
The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.
The peach is sweeter for the eater.
And the chicken is finger lickin’ good.
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Tantilazing
Reniewed by Calamjo
The Painter & Her Eyesight
There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started
losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went
to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate
surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that
she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor’s office. Part of her
work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her
work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor’s
office. During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall,
and asked the doctor, ”What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly
painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?”
”Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.”
I’d Love To But…(Pt II)
More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don’t wanna go to.
I’D LOVE TO BUT…
…I did my own thing and now I’ve got to undo it.
…I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
…I have to floss my pets…
…I have to go to the post office to see if I’m still wanted.
…I want to spend more time with my blender.
…I’m attending the opening of my garage door.
…I’m building a pig from a kit.
…I’m doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
…I’m enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
…I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
…I’m going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
…I’m staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.
…I’m teaching my ferret to yodel.
…I’m trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
…I’ve got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.
…It’s my parakeet’s bowling night.
…My patent is pending.
…The nice man on television told me to say tuned…
Yogi-isms (By Yogi Berra, Baseball Player)
1. I die rarely.
2. It’s a deja vu all over again.
3. It’s not over till it’s over.
4. If you come to a fork in the road…..take it!
5. I really didn’t say everything that I said.
6. You can observe a lot just by watching.
7. Never reply to an anonymous letter.
8. I usually take a 2-hour nap from 1 to 4.
9. When asked what time it was, I said; you mean now?
10. At Yogi Berra day in St Louis 1947: “I want to thank you for
making this day necessary.”
11. If the world were perfect, it wouldn’t be.
12. Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets “overwhelming underdogs.”
13. If the people don’t want to come out to the ballpark,
nobody’s going to stop them.
14. On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh; “We made to
many wrong mistakes.”
15. The future ain’t what it used to be.
16. It gets late early out here.
17. Nobody ever goes to that resturant over there, it’s too
crowded.
Rude
why did mr hupty push mrs hupty of the wall? BECUSE HE WANTED TO SEE HER CRACK BELOW
Your mom is so dumb and ugly that…
your mom is so dumb and ugly that she put a quartar in a gumball michine and said weres my beauty makeover
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Electric trains and breasts
Q: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children but it’s men who play with
them.
Hu’s On First
We take you now to the Oval Office
.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader
of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle
East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
WHICH NUMBER IS BAD
WHEN SIX MET EIGHT IN A BAR ONE DAY THEY WERE TALKING AND SIX ASKED EIGHT DO YOU LIKE SEVEN NO EIGHT REPLIED WHY ASKED SIX BECAUSE SEVEN EIGHT NINE EIGHT REPLIED.
Q: How many SAS
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?A: One to analyze the historical failure rates of lightbulbs using PROC LIFEREG, so as to anticipate the failure of the lightbulb before the user actually has to report it, one to explain why SAS is better for changing lightbulbs than S-Plus, SPSS/X, BMDP, SYSTAT, MINITAB or a spreadsheet, one to write a custom interface in AF/SCL allowing the user to manually request the changing of the light bulb after its failure (prematurely) occurs, one to write a report with PROC SQL and PROC REPORT which will summarize the lightbulbs needing to be changed, sorted twelve different ways, cross-indexed (by wattage, type, and prematureness-of-failure) and totaled, one to actually spin the light bulb into the socket using SAS/Insight, one to call Cary to try to get them to explain when a new version of the lightbulb will ship, how much we’ll pay to keep using lightbulbs for another year, and what we’ll do if our site sends all its lightbulbs to Europe where 120V/60Hz lightbulbs tend to explode upon insertion in 220V/50Hz circuits, one to write an incomprehensible ten line SAS macro program which will perpetually insert new filaments into all mission critical lightbulbs until its author is fired, at which point the SAS macro will automatically encode itself into a copy of the latest SAS/ETS usage notes, one to write a graphical front end to the lightbulb changing process using SAS/EIS, with little speedometers showing the number of lightbulbs changed per hour, so that management can understand why we need to buy bigger lightbulbs, one to prepare a SUGI paper summarizing the entire lightbulb project, taking credit for the design and execution of the lightbulb project itself as well as the invention of the light bulb itself, another one to prepare a second SUGI paper benchmarking lightbulb replacement on twelve different types of light sockets, with separate graphs for florescent and incandescent bulbs (made with SAS/Graph, except for the titling, axes, color, polylines, and background, which were all added manually with Cricket Graph on a Mac), ten to push the dollie loaded with SAS/Lightbulb manuals, *and*, One more to ask SAS-L for help when you really need to change that bulb, NOW.