A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their minister.
The guy asked, “Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?”
The minister replied, “Not if it delays the ceremony.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
Naughty weekend
an elderly couple visit there local chemist. The husband goes up to the cashier.
“can i have some condoms miss”
“Where going on a naughty weekend”
Cashier replies “but you folk must be nearly 70 there is no chance of your wife getting pregnant”
“I know” says the old man “But she loves the smell of BURNING RUBBER”
Se encontraban dos locos en
Se encontraban dos locos en un pasillo del manicomio, a media noche. La doctora de turno los sorprendi� cuando uno se encontraba en cuatro patas con el trasero pelado y el otro detr�s alumbr�ndole el hoyo con una vela.
La doctora se asombrada pregunta: “�Y qu� hace usted con esa vela en el trasero de ese hombre?”
Y el loco responde: “Tranquila doctora, estamos averiguando de que color tiene los pedos…”
Lo que despert� curiosidad en la doctora y �sta decide seguirles la corriente para ver hasta donde llegan, y le pregunta: “�Y qu� han averiguado hasta ahora?”
Y el loco responde:
“Pues nada, porque cada vez que se tira uno, me apaga la maldita vela este desgraciado.”
How do we know that
How do we know that the “Toothbrush” was invented in West Virginia?
– Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a “Teethbrush”.
Government worker
Kowalski worked for the Department of Transportation. One day he woke up ill,
with a touch of laryngitis-but-being a dedicated employee he went to work. The
boss felt rather sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor-as
they were repairing a part of the freeway.
“Kowalski” he says “why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow
down going through the construction”
Kowalski is glad for the easy day: He stops the first vehicle:
“Sir” he whispers, his throat feeling worse “please slow down, there’s a
Government crew up ahead”
“Okay” the guy whispers back “I’ll try not to wake them”
Drunk and Arthritis
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ”Father, what causes arthritis?” ”Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied. ”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” ”I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, ”but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”
yo mama so fat…
yo mama so fat she has more rolls then a bakery.
Star Wars Christmas
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats… lightsabers drawn and sparks flying.
Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know what you’re getting for Christmas, Luke,” he said, “Ohhh, yes! I know!”
Luke fought himself free and jumped to a higher platfrom just out of Vader’s reach, “How do you know?”
Luke yelled at him, “How do you know what I’m getting for Christmas?”
Darth Vader shot Luke an icy glare, “The force is with me… I felt your presents.”
Submited by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Dumb Star Wars Jokes
Two droids were talking.
One says to the other, “Did you beat the Wookiee at Dejarikk?”
And the other answers, “Yes, but it cost me an arm and a leg.”
—————————–
Yoda and Obi-Wan walked into a bar and bought a 5 dollar drink.
Yoda, seeing that he only had 4 dollars asked Obi-Wan, “Have a dollar do you? A little short I am.”
Baseballs Guide to Sex
For all you baseball fans…
Warning: Explicit…
Baseball’s Guide to Love
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about ‘the bases’ with your friends? “Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!” Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure.
Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What’s a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let’s face it, there are more than four stages in today’s day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the “Standardized Guide to the Bases”.
First, let’s examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
— First Base–
This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
–Second Base–
Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.
–Third Base–
Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
–Home Run–
This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado…
Standardized Guide to the Bases!
–On Deck–
Having plans for a date
–Strike-Out–
Duh!!
–Walk–
Kissing
–Bunt–
Masturbation
–Single–
Tongue kissing
–Double–
Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
–Triple–
Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
–Inside the park home run–
Oral Sex
–Home Run–
SEX!
–Ground Rule Double–
would have sex, but no condom
–Error–
condom breaks during sex
–Banned for life for gambling–
sex without condom
–Hall of Fame–
Marriage
Now that we’ve got the basics, let’s introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
–Balk–
Premature ejaculation
–Pine Tar–
KY kelly
–Relief pitcher–
Vibrator
–Rain Delay–
parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
–Box Seats–
Waterbed
–Seventh Inning Stretch–
Unusual positions
–Rookie–
Virgin
–Minor Leagues–
Under 18
–Loaded Bases–
manage a trois
–Grand Slam–
Sex four times in twelve hours
–Foul tip–
VD
–Three up and three down–
impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- “We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it’s hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out.
Elephant and the man
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breath through something so small?”
Q: How many psychiatrists
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?