Painters

A beautiful girl is lying on a gurney, about to undergo a minor surgery.

She is wheeled into the corridor by a nurse, then left alone.

While the nurse is away, a young man in a white coat approaches the girl, takes the sheets away and starts examining her naked body.

He walks away and talks to another guy in a white coat. The second man comes over and starts examining her.

When a third man begins to examine her body, the girl begins to grow impatient.

�All of this examining is great, you guys are really thorough,� she says. �But when will I be having my operation?�

The first man shrugs his shoulders. �Beats me. We�re just painting the hall.�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Cat in Eden

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Lifestyles of Men and Women

Women’s Lifestyles Through the Ages

AGE… DRINK
17… Winecoolers
25… White wine
35… Red wine
48… Dom Perignon
66… Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17… Need to wash my hair
25… Need to wash and condition my hair
35… Need to color my hair
48… Need to have Francois color my hair
66… Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17… shopping
25… shopping
35… shopping
48… shopping
66… shopping

FAVORITE DRUG
17… shopping
25… shopping
35… shopping
48… shopping
66… shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17… “Burger King”
25… “Free meal”
35… “A diamond”
48… “A bigger diamond”
66… “Home Alone”

FAVORITE FANTASY
17… tall, dark and handsome
25… tall, dark and handsome with money
35… tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48… a man with hair
66… a man

HOUSE PET
17… Muffy the cat
25… Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35… Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48… Children from his first marriage and Muffy theCat
66… Retired husband who dabbles in taxidermy and stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT’S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17… 17
25… 25
35… 35
48… 48
66… 66

IDEAL DATE
17… He offers to pay
25… He pays
35… He cooks breakfast the next morning
48… He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66… He can chew breakfast

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men’s Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK at age…
17… Beer
25… Beer
35… Scotch
48… Double scotch
66… Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE at age…
17… My parents are away for the weekend.
25… My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35… My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48… My wife is away for the weekend.
66… My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT at age…
17… Sex
25… Sex
35… Sex
48… Sex
66… Napping

FAVORITE DRUG at age…
17… Pot
25… Cocaine
35… Really good cocaine
48… Power
66… Advil

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE at age…
17… Cop a feel
25… Breakfast
35… She didn’t set back my therapy
48… I didn’t bump into her kids.
66… An actual erection

FAVORITE FANTASY at age…
17… Thirdbase
25… Airplane sex
35… Menage a trois
48… Taking her company public
66… Swiss maid and/or Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET at age…
17… Roaches (to be burned later)
25… Old college roommate
35… Irish setter
48… Children from her first marriage
66… Barbi

THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED at age…
17… 25
25… 35
35… 48
48… 66
66… 17

IDEAL DATE at age…
17… Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25… Split the check before we go back to my place
35… Just come over
48… Just come over and cook
66… Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas to see Frank

Una noche, aburridos, unos gatos

Una noche, aburridos, unos gatos est�n reunidos en un callej�n y le dicen al gato jefe:

“Jefe, jefe, �qu� hacemos?”

“D�jenme pensar: Ya s�, vamos a chupar unos tragos”.

Cuando todos los gatos gritan: �S�, vamos a chupar! Llega un gatito, que se la daba de piola, y grita y salta m�s fuerte que todos:

“�S�, vamos a chupar! �Vamos a chupar!”

Los dem�s michos lo miran y, con burla, le indican:

“�L�rgate de aqu�, gatito de mierda! �Qu� sabes t� de chupar?”

As�, salen del callej�n coreando:

“�Vamos a chupar! �Vamos a chupar! �Vamos a chupar!”

El gatito los sigue. Compran el trago y se meten una borrachera asquerosa. El gatito estuvo jodiendo para que le dieran trago, pero no le dan nada. Cuando se acab� el trago, los gatos, nuevamente, le preguntan al gato jefe:

“�Y ahora, qu� hacemos?”

“Vamos a fornicar”, dice el jefe

“�Yeeeehhhh, s�, vamos a fornicar”, gritan los gatos.

Por supuesto, quien peg� el brinco m�s alto y quien m�s emocionado estaba era el gato peque��n. Los dem�s mininos le recriminan:

“Ya, gatito de mierda, no jodas, �qu� sabes t� de fornicar?”

Azuzado, el peque�o, responde: “Yo soy lo m�ximo fornicando”.

Salen del callej�n coreando:

“�Vamos a fornicar! �Vamos a fornicar! �Vamos a fornicar!”

Terco, el gatito los sigue. En eso, ven una gata y, ���yeeeehhhh!!!, salen todos los gatos detr�s de la gata. �sta se asusta y se trepa a un poste. Los gatos empiezan a dar vueltas alrededor del poste coreando:

“�Vamos a fornicar! �Vamos a fornicar! �Vamos a fornicar!”

El gatito tambi�n coreaba y daba vueltas. Pasa m�s de media hora y segu�an dando vueltas. En eso estaban, cuando el gatito, jadeando, les dice:

“�Saben qu�, muchachos? Yo fornico 10 minutos m�s y me voy, porque ya me cans�”.

Jimmie Carter, Ronald Reagan, Geroge Bush…

Jimmie Carter, Ronald Reagan, Geroge Bush and Bill Clinton stood in
front of the Great OZ.

Carter steps forward.

OZ: What would you like today?
Carter: I would like courage.
With a great puff of smoke, Carter was given the courage to tackle any
problem.

Reagan steped forward.

OZ: What would you like?
Reagan: I would like some brains.
With a great puff of smoke, Reagan was given the brains to solve and
remember many great problems of the day.

George Bush was next.

OZ: And for you?
Bush: I would like some heart.
The puff of smoke came and went, Bush gushed with heart and compassion
for his fellow man.

Clintion was left.

OZ: And last but least, What would you like?
Bill looked to the left and then to right and whispers, “Dorothy around?”

La amiga: Activo disponible.

La amiga: Activo disponible.

La amante: Cuenta puente.

Los difuntos: Activos diferidos.

Los cu�ados: Pasivo de contingencia.

Las cu�adas: Reservas de capital.

La despedida de los novios: Cierre de ejercicio.

La esposa: Pasivo fijo.

El esposo: Bolsa de valores.

Los hijos: Estado de p�rdidas.

Las hijas: Estado de ganancias.

Los hijos naturales: Cuentas de orden.

La novia: Inversi�n.

La prometida: Super�vit ganado.

Randy Mouse

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse’s confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

“Don’t be afraid, darling,” said the man. “Wait until I tell you about this.”

“Get out of here!” cried his wife. “And take that sex maniac with you!”

A Man And A Broffle

A guy walks into a broffle with $500 and asks for the
biggest, fattest black lady they had . So they gave him the
cleaner , after that they went up to a room , The guy says “Take
off your clothes and lie on the bed” so the cleaner goes ahead
and takes her clothes of and lies on the bed , the guy asks her
while she’s lying down to spread her pussy open as far as she
can , so she does excatly what he says to . She then gets to the
point where she can’t spread it open any more and it’s spread as
far as it can go , so the man says ” hold it right there keep
your pussy as it is ” the man stays there and looks at her pussy
for the next few minutes then tells the lady to leave. As she
walks out the door then the bar tender walks in and says ” are
you out of your mind you just wasted $500 bucks and you didn’t
even get to fuck her god your a dickhead then the other man
replies with ” nah mate i didn’t waste any of my money its just
that earlier today i bought a big black sofa and i just wanted
to see what pink pillows would look like on my new lounge”.

GET IT HAHAHAHAHAHA

Act of God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby.

He went to the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s salary.

There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. “Having children is an act of God!” Silence fell upon the congregation.

No one dare challenge the thought. In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said: “Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!”

Don’t you just love little old ladies?

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo