your momma is so hairy that when u were born u almost died of rugburn
Author: admin
No legs cold.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your refridgerator?
CHUCK.
Una vez dos mujeres decidieron
Una vez dos mujeres decidieron salir una noche porque sus maridos eran los que siempre sal�an.
Cuando regresaban en la madrugada de una buena parrandita, a una le dieron deseos de mear y a la otra de cagar, pero lo �nico que hab�a cerca era un cementerio.
Decidieron bajarse, la que me� no encontr� con que limpiarse, as� que se limpi� con el panty y lo tir�. La que necesitaba cagar tampoco encontr� con que limpiarse as� que cogi� la cinta de una corona de flores y se limpi� con ella.
La ma�ana siguiente los maridos se llaman y uno le dice al otro: “Parece que nuestras mujeres la pasaron bien anoche, porque la m�a lleg� sin panties”
Y el otro le contesta: “Por lo menos la tuya lleg� sin panties, la m�a lleg� con un mo�o en el culo que dec�a: Nunca te olvidaremos.”
Non-smokers do it without puffing….
Non-smokers do it without puffing.
Archaeological Deciphering
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:A women – A donkey – A shovel – A fish – and the Star of David.They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said:”This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence was in the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food.The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.”The audience applauded enthusiastically.Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said: “Idiots! Hebrews read from right to left. It says: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!”
Yo mama is so fat
Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Learning Etiquette
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”
I read it already
A husband is about to leave on a business trip:
– Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town, I’ll send you
a telegram.
– Don’t bother, dear. I read it already – it’s in the pocket of your coat.
Last Thoughts
One day a woman walked into a artist studio. One of the artists
asked her what he could do for her and she said “I would like
you to paint a portrait of my husbands last thoughts.” The
artist said “Ok, how did he die?” She replied, “He was killed
on a cattle drive by a thousand indians.” After a moment the
artist tells her to come back tomorrow. The next day she comes
in and he hands her the picture. She looks at it and asked “How
does a cow wearing a haylo, and a bunch of indians having sex
have to do with my husbands last thoughts?” The artist replied
“Miss, im sure your husbands last thoughts were, Holly cow look
at all those f*cking indians!”
Things I’ve Learned From My Cat
Make the world your playground.
Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock over it helps.
If you can’t get your way, lay across the keyboard till you do.
When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to shut you up.
Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
Nap often.
When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them, and play with them when they’re busy.
Climb your way to the top, that’s why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, “I care”.
3rd prize
Tom, Dick and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.
They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.
Tom won the first prize, a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce.
Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month’s supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti.
Harry won the sixth prize, a toilet brush.
When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.
“Great,” said Tom. “I love spaghetti.”
“So do I,” said Dick. “And how’s the toilet brush, Harry?””
“Not so good,” Harry said, “I reckon I’ll go back to paper…”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Young gunfighter
This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man looked him up and down and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.”
“Tell me, tell me,” said the young man.
“Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” said the young man.
“Definitely,” the old man replied.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. “Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?”
“Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother.”
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”
“It sure will,” said the old man.
The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano player.
“This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?”
“One more thing,” said the old man. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”
The young fellow didn’t hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
“No, the whole gun, handle and everything.” said the old man.
“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”
“No,” said the old man, “But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he’s going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis