What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? It’s ass.
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Knock KnockWho’s there?Wicked!Wicked who?Wicked make
Knock KnockWho’s there?Wicked!Wicked who?Wicked make beautiful music together!
Man Named Furniture
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
Talking baby
A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.”Are you my doctor?” he asked.”Yes, I am.”The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?””Yes, I am,” she said.”Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born” he said. He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?””Yes, I am,” his father answered.The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”
Becky estaba en su lecho
Becky estaba en su lecho de muerte. Su esposo, Jake, manten�a constante vigilia a su lado. �l sosten�a su fr�gil mano, y mientras las l�grimas rodaban por sus mejillas, �l oraba por su esposa.
Ella lo mir� y sus p�lidos labios comenzaron a moverse quedamente:
“Mi amado Jake” susurr�.
“Calla mi amada” dijo �l “Descansa. Shhh. No hables.”
Ella, insistentemente, dijo con cansada voz:
“Tengo algo que confesarte”.
“No hay nada que confesar” dijo sollozante Jake “Todo est� bien,duerme…”
“No, no, yo debo morir en paz, Jake. Yo me acost� con tu hermano, tu mejor amigo y tu padre.”
“Ya lo s�” replic� Jake ” …�por eso te envenen� !”
Get me a beer!
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the TV and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”
The wife gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, “It hasn’t started yet. Get me another beer.”
She looks annoyed, but goes to the kitchen, gets another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and 10 minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer.
It’s going to start any minute.”The wife is furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of the TV? You’re nothing but a fat, lazy, drunken slob, and furthermore. . . .
“The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
A nun arrives at the local bar
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. “You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!” Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. “How do you know this, Sister?” “My Mother Superior told me so.””But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?” “Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself” “Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life” “How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!” “I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. “Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?””Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com
Thirty Times in a Row!
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while
looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the
family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation
looked hopeless to her–how could she possibly continue to feed
her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to
see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in
the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the
bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your
despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I
will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to
try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her
again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The
mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in
a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried
his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the
mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw
himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
“I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything
right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a
row?” The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then
he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as
she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not
THIRTY times in a row?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to
perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know
that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
See Model Home
Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
Bill Gates dies
Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint
Peter says, “Bill, you’ve done some wonderful things in your life and have
earned the right to choose where you’ll spend the rest of eternity. You can
choose between Heaven and Hell, but choose wisely.”
Bill looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder between the pearly gates and sees
nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter’s words, Bill asks
if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The
Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much
to his surprise, there’s one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the
alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill
returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.
He again looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow.
Bill says to Saint Peter, “I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and it
may sound foolish, but I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.”
Saint Peter fulfills Bill’s request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets
back to Hell there’s been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are
burning, and moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked
at the sight asks the Devil, “What happened?? I was just down here a little
while ago and everyone was having a great time!” The Devil says, “Oh that…
That was just the demo!”
Mother In Law
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.’
‘My darling,’ he replied, ‘think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.
Did you hear about the
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was jealous of his newborn son?
He didn’t know it was the umbilical cord.