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You Know You Work in Corporate America If:

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You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.

Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

The company logo on your badge is drawn on a post-it note.

When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

You learn about your layoff on CNN.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

“Communication” is something your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You’re already late on the assignment you just got.

When 100% of your time means 20 hours.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes”, “in your spare time”, “when you’re freed up”, and “I have an opportunity for you.”

Vacation is something you roll over to next year or a check you get every January.

Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers”.

Change is the norm. Nepotism is encouraged.

The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are hanging in your cube.

You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

You read this entire list and understood it.

The Top 13 Questions Asked by Someone Who Just Awoke From a 19-Year Coma

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13> “Is ‘Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo’ still playing at the drive-in?”

12> “Which way’s the bathroom?”

11> “You kept my Led Zeppelin 8-tracks, right?”

10> “What, you couldn’t cut my friggin’ hair *once* in 20 years?”

9> “Why is everyone so impressed that these morning DJs manage to talk strippers into taking their tops off?”

8> “Hey, nurse, where’s the beef? Ha! Isn’t that hysterical?”

7> “How’s our ally, Saddam Hussein, doing?”

6> “So Houston vs. St. Louis on ‘Monday Night Football’ — should I put my money on the Oilers or the Cardinals?”

5> “A red M&M?!? Are you trying to *poison* me?!?”

4> “Did anyone break my record Pac-Man score on the machine in the parachute pants store?”

3> “No shit? You can get Night Ranger to play at my birthday party?!?”

2> “Who’s that freaky pasty-faced white woman I saw on TV doing the dead-on impersonation of Michael Jackson?”

1> “Jeez, would somebody please tell that kid on MTV that his pants are about to fall off?”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

What a Hamster

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A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The waiter says, “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me the food?”

“Deal!”

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

“Money or another miracle,” says the waiter. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, “Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions.”

“Not so”, says the guy, “the hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

Final Exams-Top 50 Fun Things to Do:

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1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say, “oh geez, better get cracking,” and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, “Andre, Andre,
I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start
talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this.
I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume
at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting
way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to
answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my
religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, “They’ve found me, I
have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the
papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell
out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another
copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this
process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know
one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman
numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move
to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you
walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light
bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up
to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30
minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling, “I’m here, the
phantom of the opera,” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing
loudly, say, “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on
this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest
proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword
and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise
you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment, “Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc… sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say, “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to
find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t
forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks.”

Panda In A Bar

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a Panda! Look it up!”The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Pilot Reports

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Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots
and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.”
Solution: “Auto land not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Round for the house

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A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!” The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself. “That’ll be $80 for the round,” says the bartender, to which the man replies, “I don’t have a plug nickel.” The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street. The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!” As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself. “Ok, that’s $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,” The man replies, “I don’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.” The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street. The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as he’s working, “Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.” Turning around, he can’t believe the drunk is back for a third time. “What, nothing for me this time?” “Hell no,” says the drunk. “You get MEAN when you drink!”

Hot Helga

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It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash, put a roast in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry-cleaning. ”Gutness, it’s hot,” she mused as she walked down Main Street.She passed by a tavern and thought, ”vy nodt?”Helga sat at thebar and the bartender asked her what she would have. Helga said, ”Ya know, it’s zo hot, I tink I’ll haff myself a cold beer.”The bartender asked, ”Annhauser Busch?”Helga, surprised, replied, ”Vell fine, tanks. Undt how’s your pecker?

Un se�or estaba caminando por

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Un se�or estaba caminando por la calle cuando de pronto ve a Pepito saltando al lado de la puerta, queriendo tocar el timbre. Entonces el caballero se acerca y le dice :

“Ni�o necesitas una ayuda?”

Y pepito le responde: “S�”

Entonces el amable se�or levanta a pepito y ayuda a que toque el timbre de la casa. Una vez que lo hace Pepito le dice al se�or:

“Muy bien, �ahora a correr!”