Author: admin

Know Your Presidents

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1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife’s half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress “Pookie”?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband – and was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary?

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)?

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president’s?

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named “Jumbo”)?

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ANSWERS

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to “push the button” in case of nuclear attack? John F. Kennedy

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant? Bill Clinton

3. Which president made love to one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office? Lyndon B. Johnson

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife’s half sister? Thomas Jefferson

5. Which president called his mistress “Pookie”? Bill Clinton

6. Which president married a woman who hadn’t yet divorced her first husband – and was branded an “adulterer” during his re-election campaign? Andrew Jackson

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor’s wife while he was engaged to someone else? George Washington

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady’s personal secretary? Franklin D. Roosevelt

9. Which president made love to a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them? Warren G. Harding

10. Which president made love in a closet while telling his lover about the *other* president who made love in a closet (the one in Question 9)? John F. Kennedy

11. Which vice president was cheesed off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was more impressive than the president’s? Lyndon B. Johnson

12. Which future president, while a college student, loved showing off his manhood (which he named “Jumbo”)? Lyndon B. Johnson

He Said – She Said

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He Said…She Said:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

National Books About the Elelphant

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very nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.

The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

Stages of Drunkenness

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Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still SMART you know all the words.

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear

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Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and
asked the Baby Bear, “So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?”

“Oh, no,” Baby Bear replied, “I don’t want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat
me.”

“Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,” answered the judge.

“On, no, I don’t want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.”

“Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?”

Baby Bear said, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don’t beat
anybody!”

Snow Balls

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President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun is shining,
the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He
stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn
and sees the words “President Clinton sucks” written in pee in the snow.

Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he
doesn’t care what it takes, but he wants to know who did this.

The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells
him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news. “Ok,” says Clinton,
“give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news.”

The Chief says: “The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know
who the culprit is.” Clinton nods and the Chief continues: “The bad news is the
culprit is Vice President Gore.” This really upsets the President, but he
controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief
of Security swallows and says, “It’s in Hillary’s hand writing.”

What Guys Think Girls Should Know

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1.. We’re not as big of perverts as you think we all are.
2.. No matter what you say, your ex-boyfriend is an asshole.
3.. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.
4.. Don’t argue with us when we call you beautiful.
5.. Don’t treat us like crap, what goes around comes around.
6.. We know you’re pretty, that’s one of the reason’s we’re
going out with you.
7.. Don’t go into detail about your period. It scares us.
8.. If you have cramps and we ask you what’s wrong, just tell us
it’s that time of the month and nothing more.
9.. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that
our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool.
10.. We never shave our legs. Get over it.
11.. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. It’s just wrong.
12.. Don’t make bets about us, because one of your friends will
tell us, if you don’t.
13.. When we tell you that you’re not fat, believe us.
14.. We absolutely do not care about, The Backstreet Boys,
*NSYNC, 98 degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that
matter.
15.. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but
at least we can stand up and go pee.
16.. Just cause you think you’re always right, doesn’t mean that
you don’t have to apologize when you do something “wrong.”
17.. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it
would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like
to know that you love us.
18.. We can’t always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the
plans sometimes.
19.. Don’t ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you
might just get what you wish for.
20.. Never kick us in the nuts “just to see what we would say.”
21.. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and
laugh when we believe you.
22.. Pamela Anderson’s boobs aren’t fake anymore, but we like
yours better anyway.
23.. Size doesn’t matter, except to idiots who don’t want a
relationship
24.. PMS is not an excuse.
25.. If you want us to put the seat down when we’re done, you
should put it up when you’re done.
26.. Don’t tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn’t
turn us on.
27.. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his
stomach…..and maybe….oh nevermind.
28.. And last but not least: We know you’re not always right,
but we’ll pretend like you are anyway.