Author: admin

New viruses discovered!

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This is deadly serious, so don’t ignore it. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system.

Beware of…

THE CLINTON Virus….
(Gives you a 6 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

THE LEWINSKY virus…
(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

THE RONALD REAGAN virus….
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

THE MIKE TYSON virus….
(Quits after two bytes)

THE OPRAH WINFREY virus….
(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to stabilize around 200mb)

THE JACK KAVORKIAN virus….
(Deletes all old files)

THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus…
(Disks can no longer be inserted)

THE PROZAC virus….
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care)

THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus…
(Only attacks minor files)

THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

…and last but not least…

THE LORENA BOBBITT virus…
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Six foot tall cockroach

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One day a man was sitting in his living room watching TV when all of a sudden
the doorbell rang. The man then went to the door to see who was there. When he
opened the door he found a six-foot cockroach standing in front of him.The
cockroach then proceeded to punch him in the face and leave. The next day the
man was sitting in his living room watching TV when
then the doorbell rang. The man answered the door and then again found he
staring at the same cockroach that had hit him the day before. Then the
cockroach kicked him in the shin and poked his eye out and then proceeded
to leave. The next day the man was AGAIN sitting in his living room
watching TV when the doorbell rang. And yet AGAIN the same cockroach was
standing there. Then the cockroach stabbed him several times and then
yet again proceeded to leave. This time the man managed to drag himself to his
phone and call the police. He was taken to the nearest hospital and was kept
there over night. The next day the doctor came in to talk to the man about what
happened the night before.� Tell me son�, the doctor asked�, what happened last
night?”
� I was attacked by a six-foot cockroch!”,the man replied.
� Yeah,I heard there was a “nasty bug” going around.”

Love Dress

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The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’ s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. ‘What are you doing?’ the mother-in-law asked. ‘I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,’ the daughter-in-law replied. ‘Why are you naked?’ asked the mother-in-law. ‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law replied. ‘LOVE DRESS! You are naked,’ said the mother-in-law. ‘But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,’ said the daughter-in-law. ‘I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,’ the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the ‘LOVE DRESS’ and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked. ‘This is my love dress,’ the mother-in-law replied. ‘Needs ironing,’ he replied

Bath Time.

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It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun “Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”
“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”
“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.
“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

Grandpa and Grandson

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A grandpa and his five year-old son went out fishing. After a while the grandpa pulled out a beer and the grandson asked “Hey Grandpa, can I have a beer?”
The grandpa replied by saying “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandson said,”No.”

Then the grandpa said, “Then you can’t have one.”

Later on, the grandpa pulls out a cigarette and lights it up and the grandson asked “Hey grandpa, can I have a cigarette?”

The grandpa again replied by saying, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandson again replied by saying no.

Then the grandpa said, “Well, then you can’t have one.”

Now the kid is getting really pissed off. So he takes out a cookie and the grandpa says, “Gee grandson, can I have one?”

The grandson replied by saying, “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

So the grandpa said, “Yes.”

Then the grandson said, “Good, then go f*** yourself because grandma made these for me.”

Wendy

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There’s a guy named John, and he has a girlfriend named Wendy. John loves Wendy a lot. To prove how much he loves her, he gets “Wendy” tattooed on his penis. When it’s erect, it says her name, and when deflated, it reads “Wy”. So, when she sees her name on his masculine member, she is overwhelmed. He pops the question, and she accepts.

They decide to go to Jamaica for their honeymoon. Once there, they try out all the local culture, including a nude beach. They are having a great time, when John decides to get up from sunbathing and get something to drink at the beach bar. He walks over to the bar with his deflated love muscle, trying not to let his eye wander and end up embarrassing himself.

He orders a drink from the guy at the bar, who is also naked. He is surprised to note that the bartender also has “Wy” tattooed on his penis!

John says to the guy, “Wow, what a coincidence. So, you have a girlfriend named ”Wendy” and her name is tattooed on your dick too?”

The bartender looks slowly down at John’s thing, back to his and starts laughing. Flashing a wide grin, he says, “No, mon. Mine says ”Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.””