Q: How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Only one, but he’ll tell everybody.
Author: admin
Knock knock
knock knock
who�s there
olive
olive who
olive here not next door
Cum on the Elevator Floor
there was a red head, bernet, and a blonde. they were getting
on the elevator to go to work up to the 6th floor. while they
were going up they noticed a damp wet spot ont the carpet of the
elevator floor the red head bent down and said it looks like
cum, the bernet bent down and said it even smells like cum, then
the blonde bent down and said well it’s nobody from our
building.
Obi Wan’s Sons
If Obi Wan Had a Son, of what name would he bear it?
Obi Tu
If Obi Wan Had another Son, of what name would he bear it?
Obie Trice
Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building…on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he’s gone.I put contact lenses in my dog’s eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.I bought a dog the other day… I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him… “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.
3 men into heaven
It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, ‘Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”No problem,’ the man says. ‘I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to giveup, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!’Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.’The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, ‘OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and lets him in. A few seconds later the next guy comes up. ‘Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.’The man says, ‘No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!’Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.’The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. ‘I could get used to this new policy,’ he thinks to himself. ‘Very well,’ the angel announces, ‘welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,’ and he lets the man enter.A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. ‘OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.’The man says, ‘OK, picture this. I’m naked inside this refrigerator. . .’
Blame the dog
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canap�s the young man realized that he couldn’t hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
‘Spot,’ called out the young woman’s mother to the family dog lying at the young man’s feet.
Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.
‘Spot,’ she cried out sharply.
I’ve got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I’ll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.
‘Spot,’ shrieked the mother, ‘get over here before he shits on you.’
Ever play “Call Girl Roulette”? You have…
Ever play “Call Girl Roulette”? You have your choice
of six call girls. . . one of them’s writing a book.
Ode to a potty break
ODE TO A POTTY BREAK
by John Clogger
I sit so quietly in class
Until I feel this pain of gas
Which stabs intestines large and small:
“I hope that there’s an empty stall!”
Or I can be in bed at nine
And dreaming of a girl so fine
When I awake! A siren wails
From in my gut and my entrails!
In either case I must agree
I always have to shit and pee!
But why? For now I’ll contemplate….
….And urinate and defecate!
If I can just ignore the smell,
I’ll try my best to do them well.
Now to avoid those accidents,
Pull down your pants, you gals and gents.
Unsnap the top, unzip the fly,
And let them fall down past your thigh,
And plant your butt cheeks on the seat,
And–Oh my God! My heart is weak!
This seat’s an iceberg, minus ten!
As cold as liquid nitrogen!
This morning cold is just the worst,
But at least I get to use it first!
And now here comes the easy part:
You must fire off a warning fart
To let them know the bombs will fall–
Forget about the other stall!
Let Nature do the rest; sit back
And let the shit fall out your crack!
It’s fecal matter–hey, goodbye!
Exit out my bottom eye!
And while I’m here, I might as well
Excrete my urine, what the hell!
It takes one minute for a piss,
But just be sure that you don’t miss!
Don’t hit the walls or hit the doors.
The janitors hate yellow floors.
Now get your strength back; you’ll be strong.
When all that stress and strain is gone,
You’ll have to wipe your fundament
And clean the excess excrement!
Just use that roll of mini towels,
Protects your hands and cleans your bowels….
Unless the stuff’s just too damn soft
And rips so easily enough
That fingers go right straight on through,
Then my poor hand gets smeared with doo!
I want some stuff that’s strong and fair,
That lets me know that it was there
A couple hours after use,
So nothing gets left hanging loose.
Yes, toilet paper–that’s the stuff!
And damn, I hope I’ve got enough
For one wipes, two wipes, three wipes, four!
Five wipes, six wipes, seven, more!
Now push the handle; it goes down
Into the sewer underground
To give the sewer rats a treat.
It’s good enough for them to eat!
Or it will help the grass to rise,
But now, I must zip up my fly,
Do up my pants, connect my belt.
I must admit, I haven’t felt
This good since this time yesterday!
My shitting then went A-OK!
Now some clean people wash their hands.
But me? Hell no! I’ll take the chance!
I must rush off to get some lunch,
Some finger food that I can munch!
Oh crap! My ode is almost done.
The time sure flies when you have fun.
I hope you loved my words so true
About a thing we all must do.
Who’s the Boss?
When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be
boss.
The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all
thoughts.
The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn’t
be able to see.
The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that
brought man wherever he wanted to go.
The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for
the whole body and he should be boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.The other parts laughed so
hard that the asshole got angry and closed up for a week. The
stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go
wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the
asshole will be the boss.
This proves that you don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just
an asshole.
PMS?
Why do they call PMS PMS…..Mad Cow disease was already taken
The cat diet!
CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.