Why is everyone so mad about the President and Monica?
After all he gave her a job and she gave him one back.
Author: admin
Larry Miller on Aging
A great standup routine which somone typed up!———————Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.”You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony You BECOME 21….Yes!!!!!Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there.You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70.After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”And it doesn’t end there….Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”Happy aging!
Two redneck
These two redneck fells think that they’ve moved pretty far up in the world,
and that the only way that they can better themselves is to further their
education. So the one goes to the college administrator to sign up for some
classes. The administrator immediately signs him up for math, English, history,
and logic.
” Logic? Was’ logic?”
” Logic is, well. Let me put it to you this way. Do you have a weed eater?”
” I sure do.”
” Then, since you have a weed eater, I can assume that you have a yard.”
” Well I’ll be tarred and feathered! How did you know that?”
” I used logic. Now by diving even further, I can say that if you have a yard
then you must have a house.”
” By golly you’re right.”
” And since you have a house, I can assume that you have a wife.”
” Yeah I do, you’re amazing!”
” And finally, since you have a wife, I can come to the conclusion that you
are heterosexual.”
” I have been since before I can remember. Wow! This logic is some amazing
stuff.”
So the fell goes home that night and runs into his buddy, and his
buddy asks:” So wad yaw sign up far?”
” Well I’m going to take me some math, English, history and logic.”
” Logic? Was’ logic?”
” Here let me put it to you this way. You got a weed eater?”
” Nope.”
” You’re queer isn�t yaw?”
Feels great…
A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, “I feel great, just great”. Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, “I feel great, honey!”
She replies,. “Well you look terrible”!
He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, “She’s probably in a bad mood, can’t appreciate my good feelings”. Meets his best friend, Joe and says, “Joe, I feel great”.
Joe looks at him and says “Jeez, you really look terrible”! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, “Maybe I’ve got some unusual disease or something.” He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, “Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible.”
The physician replies, “Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up.” The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: “Feels great, looks great, no that’s not you”. “Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that’s not you”. “Feels great, looks terrible…Yes that’s you… “It says here you’re a vagina!”
Secret Service are agents expected
Secret Service are agents expected to testify that Monica Lewinsky was in the
oval office with the President unescorted for 40 minutes, But everything
was O.K, she was just giving the President a debriefing.
Blonde doing a backflip
What goes blonde,brunette,blonde,brunette?
A blonde doing backflips!
Limerick Contest
Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynski in a limerick Contestants’ Entries:
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
‘Twas “Hail to the Chief”
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don’t want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice to be blown.
Computer lingo guide
Log off – Don’t add a log to your wood stove
Knock KnockWho’s there?Wicked!Wicked who?Wicked make
Knock KnockWho’s there?Wicked!Wicked who?Wicked make beautiful music together!
Timbucktwo
There was a teacher who wanted two boys to make up a sentence with timbucktwo.
Firstboy:
me and my mum went on holiday to timbucktwo.
Teacher:
very well done.
secondboy:
Me and my mate tim were walking down the street and saw three ladies I bucked one and timbuckedtwo
Just because a doctor has
Just because a doctor has a name for your condition doesn’t mean he
knows what it is.
Yo mama
Yo mama is so nasty I called her on the phone and she gave
me an ear infection.