When there’s a will, I want to be in it!
Author: admin
Two day trip
Q:A man went on a trip on Friday, and he came back on Friday, but he was gone for only two days, how could that be?
A:His horses name was Friday.
Old Man in Nursing H
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him.”Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you”?”Well, the nurses around here won’t let me fart!”
There is always one more
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
Falwell and Clinton Share a Flight
Jerry Fallwell was seated across the aisle from President Clinton on a
recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came
around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which
was brought and placed before him immediately.
The attendant then asked the Reverend Falwell if he too would like an
alcoholic beverage. The minister replied in disgust, “Ma’am, I’d rather be
ravaged by a brazen whore than let demon liquor touch these lips!”
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “I’m
sorry…I didn’t know there was a choice….”
Lisp Guy
One day, a guy that had a lisp decided to walk down the street. His name was Harry!
He walks into the bakery, looks around and says to the lady behind the counter “Can I please have that bum!” the lady behind the counters says “You mean bun!” Harry replies “Yeh!” he gets his bun and then walks into the Hardware shop next door. he has a look around and gets something then walks up to the counter and says “Can I please buy this fuck it!” the shopkeeper replies “You mean bucket!” Harry answers “Yeh!” he gets his bucket and then walks down the street a bit more.
He gets to the petshop and sees a dog left by itself in the window. He feels sorry for it so he walks up to the counter in the pet shop and says “Can I please have that cock and spank it!” the shopkeeper replies” You mean cocker spaniel!” Harry answers “Yeh!”He gets the cocker spaniel and is walking home when he drops his bun and bucket. An old women walked past him so he said to her “Can you please hold my cock and spank it while I get my bum and fuck it!!!”
Because It’s Lent
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped
into a sexy but sweet nighttime and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed,
only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have
ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
Shark!!!
A man stranded on an island builds a raft to try to escape to
another island where people may be living hopeing to get help
back to the America. The man was terribly afraid of sharks so
upon approaching another island, he spots a man and calls out to
him, “are there any sharks in the water?” the second man calls
back “no”.
The first man then proceeds to leap into the water so as to swim
ashore, halfway there he yells out to the man on the
island…”why arn’t there any sharks in the water?”
The man replys, “Because the alligators ate them.”
The Trip
A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.
He was struggling with the language and didn’t understand a
whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the
local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track
and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already
packed. The only pew left was the one on the front row.
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting
next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his
hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood
up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man
sat down, he sat down. When the man held the cup and bread for
the Lord’s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the
preaching, the recruit didn’t understand a thing. He just sat
there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.
People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He
was, and so the recruit clapped too. Then the preacher said some
words that he didn’t understand and he saw the man next to him
stand up. So he stood up too. Suddenly a hush fell over the
entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and
saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking
the hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit
stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said,
in English: “I take it you don’t speak Spanish.”
The missionary recruit replied: “No I don’t. It’s that obvious?”
“Well yes,” said the preacher, “I announced that the Acosta
family had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please
stand up.”
Business Smarts
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read:BEST DEALS.He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading:LOWEST PRICES.The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea.He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop … It read:MAIN ENTRANCE.
Real Y2K problems
Ah, the things that drop into my mailbox… A fellow who manages one of the Y2K compliance projects at a major US-based multinational corporation reports the following (lightly edited to protect sources): Apparently [a large food retail chain in Britain] with highly automated regional distribution centers was starting to receive canned goods with expiration dates running past 2000. So, at the same time as they were receiving shipments of tinned tomatoes with shelf lives until ’05 (which were being shuffled into storage bins by their automated pallet system), their automated ‘expired goods’ system was scanning the new stuff, thinking they had gone bad 92 years ago, pulling them, and putting them on to lorries which then took them to the dump. […] after trashing the ‘expired’ tins, the automated system placed an order to the supplier to replace them. Apparently some guy at the warehouse noticed this but didn’t want to say anything […] It was only when the tomato company’s sales rep said something like, ‘Jeez, you guys are selling a lot of our tinned tomatoes lately,’ that they caught on.
The bargain
Little Morris was telling his friend Cyril all about his Chanukah presents.
�My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It�s the best present I’ve ever had.�
�Why?�
�Because my mummy gives me extra money every week if I don�t play it.�