Author: admin

Bank Teller

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This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account.”

To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

“There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see sir. . .,” the manager said, “. . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

Stay awake in Religion Class

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There was once a little girl in Religion Class one day sleeping peacfully then the teacher asked her “Who created the earth?” The boy behind the girl stuck a pin in Her and she woke up and said “God Almighty” The teacher said “very good” and the girl returned to her sleep then the teacher asked her “who was the leader of the twelve apostles” the boy behind the girl stuck the pin in her again and she woke up and said “Jesus Christ” “very good” said the teacher and the wee girl returned to sleeping, then the teacher asked her “what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child” the boy behind her stuck the pin in her once again and she woke up and said” If you stick that thing into me one more time I will break it in half!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden…

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Adam was roaming around the Garden of Eden making up names
for all the animals that were there. He also noticed that
there were two kinds of each species – male and female.
And he also noticed that most of the animals were mating
and seemed to be enjoying this very act. So, he went to
his special place and called out in a loud voice, “Hey, God!”.
And a loud booming voice replied, “Yes, Adam”.

Adam:
“Hey, God – There’s an awful lot of animals down here.”
God:
“Yes, Adam – I have created many species and I trust
you have not run out of names for then.”
Adam:
“No, that’s not the problem. But, I have noticed
that there are two kinds of each species.”
God:
“Yes, Adam. One kind is male and the other is female.”
Adam:
“Hey, God – why is there a male and a female of each
species ?”
God:
“So they can mate and procreate. This will ensure
the continuation of the species.”
Adam:
“Hey, God.”
God:
(sigh) “Yes, Adam.”
Adam:
“Which am I?”
God:
“You, Adam, are a male.”
Adam:
“Hey, God, I’ve noticed that most of the animals are
mating — and they seem to be really enjoying
themselves. If it isn’t too much trouble, do you
think…maybe,….I could…”
God:
“All right, Adam. The time has come for me to
provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you
have fallen asleep, I will create your mate.”

So, Adam leaves his special place, finds a patch of soft
grass under a tree, lies down, and falls asleep. Some
time later he awakes (possibly due to a slight pain in his
side) and heads immediately to his special place.

Adam:
“Hey, God.”
God:
“Yes, Adam.”
Adam:
“Hey, God – did you remember to do what you promised ?”
God:
“Yes, Adam. While you were sleeping I created for
you a mate. Her name is Eve. You will find her in
the bushes near the place where you were sleeping.”

Adam rushes off to find Eve in the bushes. A few minutes
later he is back at his special place, calling …

Adam:
“Hey, God.”
God:
“Yes, Adam.”

Adam:
“Hey, God — What’s a headache?”

You may be an Engineer if…

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  • If you introduce your wife as “[email protected]”
  • If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
  • If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
  • If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas
  • If Dilbert is your hero
  • If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
  • If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
  • If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
  • If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
  • If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
  • If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys
  • If you use a CAD package to design your son’s Pine Wood Derby car
  • If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
  • If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
  • If you window shop at Radio Shack
  • If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
  • If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area
  • If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
  • If you are convinced you can build a p out of your garage door opener and your camera’s flash attachment
  • If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is
  • If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
  • If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
  • If you own “Official Star Trek” anything
  • If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what’s inside
  • If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
  • If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
  • If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
  • If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
  • If you have never backed-up your hard drive
  • If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
  • If you truly believe aliens are living among us
  • If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
  • If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance “as-is”
  • If you see a good design and still have to change it
  • If the salespeople at Circuit City can’t answer any of your questions
  • If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
  • If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
  • If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don’t remember where they are
  • If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
  • If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
  • If you have more toys than your kids
  • If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
  • If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
  • If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
  • If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
  • If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it
  • If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
  • If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
  • If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
  • If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
  • If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
  • If you can type 70 words a minute but can’t read your own handwriting
  • If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
  • If you can’t remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
  • If you did the sound system for your senior prom
  • If your checkbook always balances
  • If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
  • If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
  • If you thought the real heroes of “Apollo 13” were the mission controllers
  • If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep
  • If you spend more on your home computer than your car
  • If you know what http:/ stands for
  • If you’ve ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
  • If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
  • If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
  • If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
  • If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Gus the pus sucker

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A woman walks into a doctor’s surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.He says, ‘This is too big a job for me.’ So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says, ‘This is no problem.’Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.Gus stops what he’s doing, looks up and says, ‘You know lady, it’s people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.’