Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client�s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”
Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”
Author: admin
$10 is $10
Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
‘Martha, I’d like to ride in that there aeroplane.’
And every year Martha would say,
‘I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.’
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
‘Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied
‘Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10
The pilot overheard them and said
‘Folks. I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s $10.�
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns’ rolls and dives’ but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
‘By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.’
Stumpy replied,
‘Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.’
100 Reasons why its great to be a Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don’t have to monitor your friends’ sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Friends don’t give you crap if you’ve lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don’t rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don’t attack you.
16. You don’t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why ‘Stripes’ is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don’t have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment”.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don’t have to shave below your neck.
36. You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. You can be 34 and single, and nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other peoples’ feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn’t live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don’t have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut or not.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just too scuzzy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
69. Same work….more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add desirability to your appearance.
71. You don’t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress $2000; tux rental $100.
73. You don’t care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million spermatozoa per shot, you could double the Earth’s population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don’t mooch off others’ desserts.
76. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. Nobody looks at your chest when you’re talking to them.
79. ESPN’s sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You can have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don’t need to pretend you’re “freshening up” to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don’t call your buddy when you say you will, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
86. Someday you’ll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, “f*#k it, just f*#k it!”
88. If another guy shows up at a party wearing the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. You never have to read the instruction manual.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don’t have to remember everyone’s birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your buddies can be trusted never to trap you with: “So…notice anything different about me?”
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Sibling Stories
From Matt Groening’s “Big Book Of Hell”, here are: ‘Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me’…
The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isn’t stuffed, ya know. He’s sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you don’t believe me, why don’t you put your finger in his mouth?
The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, there’s a little door, and behind that little door, there’s a boogey-man, and he’s set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And they’re baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh.
The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.
The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!
The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: There’s some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights. Bro/Sis: This time we won’t.
The Snowflake Story Bro/Sis: Well I’ll be!! Identical snowflakes!! You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!! Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.
The Movie Switcheroo You: Hey!! This isn’t Bambi!! Bro/Sis: This’s better’n Bambi.
The Elf Bro/Sis: I’d like you to meet Tom. You: I don’t see anybody. Bro/Sis: Tom’s invisible. You: Oh sure. Bro/Sis: He’s an elf. If you’re nice to him, he’ll give you three wishes. You: Hi, Tom.
The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later Bro/Sis: I don’t remember doing any of that stuff to you. Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.
Supermarket Bravery
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through — don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said softly, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry — only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, “Monica, we’ll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began.
The mother sighed and replied, “Oh, no. I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”
Q: How many Kennedy
Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: 15–One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
Yo mama's So Ugl
Yo’ mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — ’cause she stops at all the hydrants!
An IBM acronym
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
Your momma so fat
Your momma so fat she got knoked by a freight train and said who burst me
Why did God create brunettes?
Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.
LLega un tontito a la
LLega un tontito a la tienda y pregunta:
“�Vende cigarros sueltos?”
“No”, responde el tendero.
El tontito regresa unos dias despu�s y pregunta de nuevo:
“�Vende cigarros sueltos?”
“No, pero pronto voy a vender.”
“�Ah, que bueno!”, responde el tontito y se va.
Regresa una semana despu�s:
“�Ya tiene cigarros sueltos?”
“S�, �cu�ntos quieres?
“Veinte.”
Driving miss blondy
What do you call a blonde behind a stearingwheel? An airbag!