A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert
outpost. On
his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out
back
of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
“What’s the camel for?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long
way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we
have the
camel.” The Captain said “Well, if it’s good for morale, then I guess
it’s
all right with me.” After he had been at the fort for about 6 months,
the
Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, “BRING IN
THE
CAMEL!!!” The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the
Captain’s quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have
vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the
stool
and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, “Is that how the
enlisted
men do it?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, they usually just use it
to ride
into town.”
Author: admin
Big Red Truck
There was a blonde whose house was on fire. She called the fire
department and asked them to come put it out. They asked how to get
to her house, and she rolled her eyes and said… “Duh, big red
truck!”
The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer
15> Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
14> Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”
13> After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually *is* a sport.
12> Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
11> You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
10> The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the month!”
9> The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.
8> Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.
7> When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.
6> After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”
5> Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!
4> The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.
3> “Who cares about the game? ‘Will and Grace’ is on!”
2> There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.
1> Your man-boobs have started lactating.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
car pool
How does the blonde car pool work?They all meet at work at 7:45.
the haunted matres
Did you hear the one about the haunted matres?……..neather
did I. I was hoping you could tell it to me.
Jesus on the cross
What did jesus say to Paul before he went up on the cross?
Mind my Easter eggs ill be back in 3 days!!!
Chinese Goer
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at
it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,
jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the
performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When
finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a
deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps
back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During
the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.
So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a
deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed…and finds four
Chinese men.
En una reuni�n internacional de
En una reuni�n internacional de pastores, tres de ellos discuten de cu�nta inteligencia y c�mo la aplicaban a sus respectivos perros. El espa�ol dice:
“El perro que yo tengo es de lo m�s peculiar; al terminar el trabajo encierra las ovejas y les da comida, adem�s me vigila la casa con paso marcial durante toda la noche.”
El argentino dice:
“El perro que yo tengo s� que es de lo m�s original: al terminar el trabajo encierra a las ovejas y les da comida; vigila la casa durante toda la noche; adem�s, lava la ropa y me blanquea la casa una vez al a�o.”
El mexicano, con l�grimas en los ojos, replica:
“El perro que yo ten�a…”
“�Qu� pas�?” preguntan los otros.
“Se muri� electrocutado.”
“�Fue por un rayo?”
“No, arregl�ndome el televisor.”
What Women Want
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur’s youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.The Question: What do women really want?Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he’d have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur as horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water and often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s question:What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur’s life and granted him total freedom.What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish.Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached.Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened.The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she’d been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament:During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?What would you do?What Gawain chose follows below, but don’t read until you’ve made your own choice……………………………………………………….Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself!Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.Isn’t that beautiful?But really now, what is the moral of this story?If you don’t respect women, things are gonna get ugly!
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ”What are you going to do with the prize money?” the officer asked. The man responded, ”I guess I’ll go to driving school and get my license.” At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ”Officer, don’t listen to him. He’s a smart aleck when he’s drunk.” This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ”I knew we wouldn’t get far in this stolen car.” At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ”Are we over the border yet?”
Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through a entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression. ” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop. Additions
31. You laugh and forward this message to more than 3 people.
32. Even worse, you laugh and forward this message to your entire joke mailing list.
your momma is so ugly,her teeth put the sun…
your momma is so ugly,her teeth put the sun out of buisness.