Why are Tiggers paws always so brown?
Because he’s always playing with Pooh!
Author: admin
Little Wanky
At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the
presidency, “Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you
please comment on this.”
“The truth is,” replied the politician, “that she has a big mouth.”
He said she said…
He Said…She Said:
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
The Snake
There where two snakes talking.
The 1st one said ‘Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they’re dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?’.
Then the second Snake says “Why do you ask?”
The 1st one replies: “I just bit my lip!”
Alcohol age limit
Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Where does Jesus live?
There was a class taken place in a church (Sunday School) and the teacher asked the class, “Were does Jesus live?” One little boy raised his hand and said in my bathroom. The teacher asked, “How is that?” The boy said,”Everytime my dad wakes up He goes to the bathroom and yells Jesus Christ, You are still in there!”
Yo mommo’s so fat…
Yo momma’s so fat, she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s’…
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman’s’ nipples for?
A. Its Braille for “suck here.”
FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, “Quite right, old bean!”
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond “that’s my name, don’t
wear it out!”
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the “master of the pan flute”.
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the
middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh,
no, sorry.”
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”.
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your
lips.
22. Address the professor as “your excellency”.
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been
drinking.
24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a “wave” in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your “invisible friend” in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream “AAAGH! MY EYES!”
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even it’s Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor’s graduate thesis and
snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor’s reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream “IMPOSTER!”
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write “Signup Sheet #5”
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
“stud”.
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, “Can you spell that?”
45. Disassemble your pen. “Accidently” propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in
ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can’t see Macedonia.
Funny Sayings
– Girls are like phones, if you press the wrong button you’ll
get disconnected.
– I’m an angel, honest, the horns are just there to keep the
halo from falling!
– Roses are red, violets are blue, God made me an angel, so what
happend to you?
– It’s better to appear stupid then to open your mouth and
reviel all hope.
– Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happend!
– Guys are roses, but you might find some pricks.
– If you need a nickle, I’ll give you a dime but if you want a
male bitch, don’t mess with mine!
– Don’t call me a godess, don’t call me a queen, just call me
the cutest princess you’ve ever seen.
– Did the sun come up or did you just smile?
– If you don’t like my driving, stay off the side walk!
– If men are from Mars, why can’t we send them back?
– I excerise a lot…I jump to conclusions, push my luck, and
dodge deadlines!
– I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
– I couldn’t fix your breaks, so i made your horn louder
– You can push everyone around….just not through a door that
says pull.
– What goes around…usually gets dizzy and falls to the ground.
– May your life be like toilet paper…long and usefull
Viagra
A woman went to an old folks home to see her grandfather,she asked him how he was and if he was able to sleep at night and he said “fine thanks to the viagra and cocoa they give us every night.
The grandaughter was very worried her grandad was losing it so she went to find a nurse.
“nurse” she said ” I think something is wrong with my grandad. He seems to think you give him some vigagra and cocoa every night before he goes to sleep”.
“that is correct” said the nurse, “I know it may seem strange but it seems to help, we give them the cocoa to help them sleep and the viagra to stop them rolling off the bed.
Trabajaban en la construcci�n de
Trabajaban en la construcci�n de un edificio, un estadounidense, un italiano y un tontiland�s.
De almuerzo, el yanqui siempre llevaba hamburguesas, y ya estaba tan enfadado que asegur�:
“Si para ma�ana vuelvo a encontrar hamburguesas para almorzar, me suicido tir�ndome del edificio”.
El italiano invariablemente llevaba espagueti de almuerzo, entonces dijo lo mismo que el yanqui; al tontiland�s le sucedi� lo mismo con su s�ndwich de crema de cacahuate.
Como al siguiente d�a, los tres llevaron para almorzar lo mismo de siempre, los tres se suicidaron.
Ya en el velorio, las esposas de ellos se encuentran platicando:
La estadounidense, lloriqueando, dice:
“Fue mi culpa, por prepararle siempre hamburguesas.
Entre suspiros, la italiana asegura:
“Fue mi culpa, por siempre prepararle espagueti para el almuerzo”.
Y la esposa del tontiland�s, con voz entrecortada, se lamenta:
“�Ay, mi marido siempre se preparaba su almuerzo!”