Half sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
“Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk
with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in
June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m
awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get
married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister.”

“Heheh,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any
attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

Kola With Hooker

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she’ll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him “Hey, you have to pay for that”. The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, “Hey you have to pay for that. I’m a prostitute”. She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE
(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

Best Friend

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn’t touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. “Hey pal, is something wrong?”

“Yeah,… I’m really depressed”

“Why, what’s the matter?”

“I caught my wife in bed with my best friend”

“Wow, that’s horrible. What did you do?”

“I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing it’s over”

“That’s pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?”

“I sat him down… tied him up… looked him straight in the eye… and said… Bad Dog! Bad Dog!”

Top 5 men in a woman’s life…

The Top 5 Men in a Woman’s life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks “where do you want it, front or back?”
A Decorator says “how do you like it now that it�s up?”
A Bank manager says “don�t take it out you�ll lose interest”!

The Patient

A man is in a hospital bed completely wrapped up in a body cast. One of the
nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, “Don’t move — I’ll be right
back.”
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement,
“How did you get that in your mouth, you can’t even move?” Then the man said, “I
hiccupped.”