Author: admin

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions–things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else–the small stuff.

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal.

“Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, “A million years to me is just like a single second to you.”

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, “A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to
you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, “God, could I have one
of your pennies?”

God smiled and replied, “Certainly, just a second.”

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, “I feel great, just great”. Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, “I feel great, honey!”

She replies,. “Well you look terrible”!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, “She’s probably in a bad mood, can’t appreciate my good feelings”. Meets his best friend, Joe and says, “Joe, I feel great”.

Joe looks at him and says “Jeez, you really look terrible”! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, “Maybe I’ve got some unusual disease or something.” He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, “Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible.”

The physician replies, “Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up.” The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: “Feels great, looks great, no that’s not you”. “Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that’s not you”. “Feels great, looks terrible…Yes that’s you… “It says here you’re a vagina!”

A great standup routine which somone typed up!———————Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than ten years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?” “I’m four and a half.”You’re never 36 and a half….you’re four and a half going on 5. You get into your teens; now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16.” You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. Eventually.Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony You BECOME 21….Yes!!!!!Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. What’s wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.Then you’re PUSHING 40….stay over there.You REACH 50. You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You’re PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60. By then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70.After that, it’s a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday…You get into your 80’s; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My Grandmother won’t even buy green bananas. “Well, it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.”And it doesn’t end there….Into the 90’s, you start going backwards. “I was JUST 92.”Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half.”Happy aging!

A handsome construction worker considered himself quite a stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come back to his apartment.

After making love to her, he rolled over and lit a cigarette.

His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, “You may look like Mel Gibson, but you’re lousy in the sack.”

The indignant fellow snapped, “I don’t see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Un tipo va conduciendo y lo paran dos polic�as con ganas de joderlo:

“Buenas noches. Esto es un control de alcoholemia, pero tenemos el aparato estropeado as� que le voy a hacer una serie de preguntas para saber si usted esta bebido o no, �de acuerdo?”

“Est� bien, responde el buen ciudadano.”

“Va usted por la carretera. De frente ve dos luces que se acercan. �Qu� piensa usted que es?”

“�Pues qu� va a ser! �Un auto!”

“S�, pero �qu� auto? BMW, Mercedes, Fiat…”

“Y, �c�mo quiere que lo sepa?”

“Empezamos mal �eh? Creo que usted no va a pasar la prueba.”

Siguiente pregunta:

“Va usted por la carretera y ve de frente una luz que se acerca, �Qu� es?”

“�Pues qu� va a ser! �Una moto!”

“S�, pero �qu� moto? Kawasaki, Suzuki, Yamaha…”

“Y, �c�mo quiere que lo sepa?”

“Definitivamente creo que usted da positivo en la prueba de alcohol. Vamos a tener que llevarlo detenido por conducir en estado de ebriedad.”

El tipo ya est� molesto y le dice al Polic�a:

“�Puedo hacerle una pregunta?”

“Adelante, h�gala.”

“Va usted por una calle y en la esquina ve una se�orita que est� apoyada en un poste, lleva poca ropa, minifalda, un gran escote, y que est� moviendo su bolso en c�rculos… �Qu� cree usted que es?”

“�Qu� va a ser! �Una puta!”

“S�, pero �cu�l puta? �Tu mam�, tu hermana o tu abuela?”

What’s the difference between a white owl and a black owl?

A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT