10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
Author: admin
Knock KnockWho’s there?Toby!Toby who?Toby or
Knock KnockWho’s there?Toby!Toby who?Toby or not toby, that is the question!
I was nodding you
At night someone knocks on the door. Woman wakes up and asks:
– Vasya, is that you?
Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.
– Vasya, don’t make me nervous, is that you?
Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the
door to find her drunken husband Vasya standing there.
– You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren�t answering???
– I was nodding you!!!
Light and hard
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Aerial Photos
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting.
He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
Viagra jokes
A man at a nursing home took Viagra and went to the lunch room,
where the residents were playing Bingo. To get their attention
he yelled out, “SUPER SEX!, Super Sex!” The ladies yelled back,
“I want the SOUP!” “Soup, Please.” “Oh, I’d love some soup!”
Generic Viagra is sold under the name Fix-a-Flat.
New Viagra eye drops make you look hard.
Viagra in Spanish, we’re told, is “viejos agradecidos” or
“greated old guys” (sic).
Viagra has been a big boon to ‘stand up’ comedians.
The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.
Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it, She says, “Oh, Oh Henry!”
A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: “Who put
Viagra in the thermometer?”
Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed
through a Boston bakery under the name “Pepperidge Firm”.
Did you hear about the first death from an overdose of Viagra? A
man took twelve pills and his wife died.
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription
exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him,
had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”
…Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his
throat and suffered from a stiff neck.
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and
you’re up all night.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.
Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five
gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in
the region.
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard
drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the
hard drive.
If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a
professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!
A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in
his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt
is too stiff to wear.
We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to
stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and
they stand up straight and tall.
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for
a 2-minute ride.
Dan Quail does not support Viagra. Quote: “I’ve been using this
stuff for a week and NOTHING! It’s the worst suppository I’ve
ever used.”
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may
cause them to spin around and point north.
Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid
off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.
New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to
pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to raise right up.
For years the medical professional has been looking after the
ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the
dead!
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
It’s been said that if you take Viagra and Propecia (or use
Rogain) at the same time, things work great — but you look like
Don King, afterward.
A Viagra delivery truck was high-jacked: The police are looking
for two ‘hardened criminals.’ They expect a stiff penalty under
the penal code.
Unconfirmed but frequent reports tell us that a man who
overdosed on Viagra caused the funeral home problems – they
couldn’t close his coffin lid for 3 days.
Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy
about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in
business.
We loved Newsweek’s comments on the trade name Microsoft, to
wit: Let’s see… “Micro” and “Soft”. Needs Viagra!
Job Hunting
A blind man arrives at a lumber camp & asks for a job. The boss advises him due to the fact he is blind & lumber work is very dangerous there are no available postions. The blind man protests & advises the boss he is able to identify trees buy smell & could go out ahead of the cutting crew & mark whatever trees were to be cut that day.
The boss decides to give him a try & takes him out to the lumber yard outside. The first piece of wood he comes to he hands it to the blind man who then passes it under his nose & advises it ” Fir”
The boss is impressed & picksup a second piece of wood.Again the blind man passes it under his nose & advises its ” Redwood”. This continues all around the lumber yard & the blind man never makes a mistake. The secetary has seen this display & decides to throw a curve at this lumber expert. Taking a ruler she runs it between her legs & passes it to the foreman who inturn hands it to the blindman, he smells the ruler & appears confused, finally he advises he is not sure but its either ” Pussy Willow” or a board off an “Old Shit House”.
Celtic Mortality
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk!!!
Stupid policemam
Q: what did the policeman say to his tummy
A: your under a vest
Life begin?
Three men are arguing: “When does life begin?”
One says: At the time of conception.
– At the time of birth, argues the other.
– Oh, no, says the third. Life begins when the wife takes the children and
they all leave for vacation.
Animal Trivia
Little Johny asks the teacher, “How many feathers are there on a bird’s
wing?”
The teacher answered, “I don’t know.”
Little Johny then asked, “How many stripes are there on a bee’s body?”
The teacher answered, “I don’t know”
Then Little Johny asked, “How many lives does a cat have?”
Happily the teacher answered, “Nine lives.”
Little Johny followed up, “How come you know so much about pussy and
nothing about the birds and the bees?”
Bachelor of Science…
- Bachelor of Science
- One who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.