When God made man,
he made him out of string.
He had a little left,
so he left a little thing.
When God made woman,
he made her out of lace.
He didn’t have enough,
so he left a little space.
Author: admin
Screw For the Hinge
A lady walks into a hardware store and says she’s looking for a hinge.
The manager comes over and asks the lady “do you want a screw for the hinge?”
She replies “no but I’ll F*ck you for the doorknob.”
Tarmac
Two pieces of black tarmac are in the pub having a few pints and a laugh, telling jokes and getting a bit drunk.
Then a piece of red tarmac enters the pub and the two pieces of black tarmac stop speaking and just look down at their pints until the red piece of tarmac has ordered his drink and goes off down the other end of the pub to play on the gambling machine.
Then they start up speaking again, and having a laugh like before.
The pub landlord is a little confused at whats going on and asks the two pieces of black tarmac why they are scared of the piece of red tarmac.
“What him?, he’s a freakin CYCLE PATH”! they replied.
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
No a Member
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband either.”
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this club.”
Open the Door
A blond got really drunk at a bar near his house. At the end of the night
he stumbled home, running into light poles and knocking over garbage cans.
When he got home and knocked on the door, his wife answered, “Is that you
John?” No answer. She asked again, “Is that you John?” Still no answer.
The next morning when she opened the door to go to work, she saw John
sleeping outside the house. She asked, “What are you doing sleeping out
here?!” John replied, “I knocked the door last night but you didn’t open
it.” She said, “But I asked and asked if it was you, but you didn’t
answer!” John replied helplessly, “But I nodded and nodded….”
The Rabbit and the snail
Q-Why did the rabit cross the road?
A-To catch the snail that was speeding.
Oceans of Beer
Two guys, of limited intelligence, were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface.After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water.As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, “O.K., so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I’ve been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now and quite frankly, I’m burned out.” You guys only get 1 wish and then I’m outta here, so make it a good one.”The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, “Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!””Fine,” said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer, and disappeared.”Great move, Einstein,” said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. “Now we’re gonna have to pee in the boat!”
Always on Duty
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?”
Three Knots
A very old retired sailor put on his old uniform and went down to the docks once more for old times sake. He found a young prostitute and went up into her room with her. He draped his sailor suit across the bed as he got ready for the deed of intent.
A few minutes later found him goin’ at it the best he could for a guy his age and condition. He looked up and asked her, “So, how am I doin’ there, Honey’?”
The prostitute replied, “Well, old sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“What’s that?” he asked in confusion…
“Well, mister, as I said, you’re doing ‘three knots.’ You’re knot hard, you’re knot in…and you’re knot getting your money back!” she calmly explained.
I Not Come To Work
Hung Chow calls work and says, “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again, “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
Blondes at Job trial
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, “Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.”
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. “YAY!!” they shout. “We came back first, we get the job!!”
“Good work, men,” says the boss, “However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they’re delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.”
“Fine, no problem,” say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.
“What happened to you? What took so long?” asks the boss incredulously.
“What do you mean, ‘what took so long’?? Do we get the job?”
“YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!”
“Well, of course they were,” say the blondes. “They only put the pole in halfway!!”
Q. How can you tell a woman is really ugly?…
Q. How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A. A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.