Eating with children.

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her
father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from
staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but
nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her
but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for
her response.

The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to
miss it!”

The Kowalski

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn’t bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

Religious Views of the World

Taoism: s*** happens.
confucianism: confucious says, s*** happens.
buddhism: if s*** happens, it isn’t really s***.
zen: what is the sound of s*** happening?
hinduism: this s*** happened before.
islam: if s*** happens, it is the will of allah.
protestantism: let s*** happen to someone else.
native american: what is the medicine of s***?
catholicism: if s*** happens, you deserve it.
judaism: why does this s*** always happen to us?
pantheism: it’s all the same s***.
atheism: i don’t believe this s***.
agnosticism: what is this s***?

Down on Luck

A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband”, she replies.

“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?� asks the Midwife.

“No, no boyfriend either.”

“Do you have a partner then?”

“No, I’m unattached; I’ll be having the baby on my own.”

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

“You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her
that the baby is black.”

“Well,” replies the girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and
nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was
black.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business and
I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell
you that the baby has blonde hair.”

“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see I desperately needed the money
and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I
do?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business and I
hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”

“Well yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up and there was a
Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the
girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the rear. The baby
starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Well thank God for that!”

“What do you mean?!” says the midwife, shocked.

“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that
she was going to bark.”

Christmas Snow

One christmas mourning Hillary Clinton looked out her window to find someone
wrote Hillary sucks in pee on the snow. So she called the police and they told
her they would do tests.
The following week the police chief came back and said that he had bad news
and worse news. The bad news is it is Bill’s urine and the worse news is it is
Monica’s hand writing.

One Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

Star Wars Vs Star Trek

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10) In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “STUN.”

9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7) One word: Lightsabers.

6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

5) The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is class “M” or not.

4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “SlaveI.”

1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

Catching Cows

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.”This,” he said, showing him a rope, “is a lariat. We use it to catch cows.””I see,” said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat.”And what do you use for bait?”