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Diary of a Californian who moves to the East Coast

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Diary of a California couple who move to the east coast to
escape the earthquakes.

Jan. 24 – It’s starting to snow. The first snow we’ve seen in
years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the
window watching the snow flakes drift down, clinging to the
trees and covering the ground, it was beautiful.

Jan 25 – We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow
covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and
shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow
for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the
driveway and our sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along
and accidentally covered up our driveway and compacted the snow
from the street, but the driver smiled and waved, and I waved
back and shoveled it again.

Jan. 26 – It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the
temperature dropped to around 11 degrees.But we love it here.
Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight
of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards,
the city snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the
snow is now brownish gray.

Jan. 27 – Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush,
which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought
snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway,
$145.00 for the physical therapist, but nothing broken. More
snow and ice expected.

Jan. 28 – Still cold. Sold the wife’s car and bought 4×4 in
order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did
considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel.
Had another 8 inches of white shit last night. Both cars covered
with salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That
damn snowplow came by twice today.

Jan. 29 – Eight degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree
or shrub on our property that has not been damaged. Power was
off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with
candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly
burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames, but
suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my
eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on ice on the way to the
emergency room and was totaled.

Jan. 30 – Mother fucking shit keeps coming down! Have to put on
all the clothes we have just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I
ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fucking snowplow,
I’ll chew his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides
around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling, then
comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway
again! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has
started to cave in.

Jan. 31 – Six more fucking inches of fucking snow and fucking
ice and god knows what other kind of white shit fell last night.
I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an snow shovel, but
he got away. The wife left me for the 4×4 salesman, the car
won’t start and I think I’m going snow-blind. I can’t move my
toes, haven’t seen the sun in 6 fucking weeks, and there’s more
snow predicted.

Wind chill: 22 fucking degrees below zero. I’m moving back to
California.

Lawyer: Send Me

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NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Redneck Census Guide

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Last name: ________________

First name: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Billy-Bob

(_) Billy-Joe

(_) Billy-Ray

(_) Billy-Sue

(_) Billy-Mae

(_) Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?

(_) Booger

(_) Bubba

(_) Junior

(_) Sissy

(_) Other___________________

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Farmer

(_) Mechanic

(_) Hair Dresser

(_) Unemployed

(_) Dirty Politician

(_) Preacher

Spouse’s

Name:_________________________

2nd Spouse’s

Name:______________________

3rd Spouse’s

Name:______________________

Lover’s

Name:___________________________

Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)

(_) Sister

(_) Brother

(_) Aunt

(_) Uncle

(_) Cousin

(_) Mother

(_) Father

(_) Son

(_) Daughter

(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: _____

Number of children living in shed: ______

Number that are yours: ______

Mother’s Name:_______________________(If not sure,leave blank)

Father’s Name:_______________________ (If not sure,leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_) own or (_) rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)

Total number of vehicles you own: ___

Number of vehicles that still crank: ___

Number of vehicles in front yard: ___

Number of vehicles in back yard: ___

Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck

____ bedroom

____ bathroom

____ kitchen

____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: 196_

Do you have a gun rack?

(_) Yes (_) No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

(_) The National Enquirer

(_) The Globe

(_) TV Guide

(_) Soap Opera Digest

(_) Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____

Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:_____

Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:_____

How often do you bathe:

(_) Weekly

(_) Monthly

(_) Not Applicable

Color of eyes:

Left______ Right_____

Color of hair:

(_) Blond

(_) Black

(_) Red

(_) Brown

(_) White

(_) Clairol

Color of tooth:

(_) Yellow

(_) Brownish-Yellow

(_) Brown

(_) Black

(_) Not Applicable

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_) 1 mile

(_) 2 miles

(_) just a whoop-and-a-holler

(_) road?

Estaba Pepito en un colegio

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Estaba Pepito en un colegio de monjas y hablaba con un amigo y le decia deseo ver a una ni�a y platicar con ella. Como el colegio tenia una barda grande donde separaban a los ni�os de las ni�as, Pepito muy astuto hizo un paque�o orificio y ve�a a trav�s de �l todas las tardes a Rosita sentada debajo de un �rbol.

En una de esas veces que la veia, Pepito decidi� brincar la barda, pero �sta ten�a un alambre con p�as, adem�s que era muy alta. Pepito agarr� valor y decidi� enfrentar ese paligro por tal de ver y conversar con esa ni�a. Finalmente pas� al otro lado y se acerc� a la ni�a y le dice:

“�C�mo te llamas!”

“Rosita, pero me quitaron el ita al entrar al colegio. �Y tu como tellamas?”

“Pepito, pero me dicen Pe.”

“�Y el pito?”

“El pito lo dej� en la barda por venir a verte.”