Q: Where does the cat go when it looses it’s tale?
A: The retail store.
Author: admin
Soccer and the bible
When was soccer introduced to the bible?
When Jesus christ went up for the cross.
You’re a redneck … you ever named a
You’re a redneck if …. You ever named a child after a dog.
What the Doctor Really Means
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
—or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news
is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be
cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this
stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can
solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a
shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn
something about this.
Pharmicist
A college couple had been dating for about 6 months. One day in the cafeteria
they are having lunch. After beating around the bush for a few minutes, the
boyfriend expresses that he’s interested in going “all the way”. The girlfriend
excalaims that she has been wanting to also but was unsure on how to address the
issue. After several more minutes of small talk, the girlfriend says she is
willing to finally consumate their relationship, but that the boyfriend must
first meet her parents and bring protection. He agrees and accepts her
invitation to dinner at her house that evening. The boyfriend proceeds directly
to the pharmacy after his last class and walks directly to the condom aisle.
Upon reaching said aisle, he is quickly overwhelmed by the seemingly endless
variety and begins to scratch his head in indecision. Seeing this from behind
the counter, the Pharmacist proceeds the boyfriends location and asks him of his
quandry. After a moment of verbal stammering, he explains to the pharmicist that
it’s his first time buying condoms and he’s not sure what kind to buy, but that
he needs a lot of them as he and she are going to make a marathon night of it.
The pharmicist chuckles, hands him a “bonus pack” of the most popular brand, and
sends the boyfriend on his way. A few hours pass as the boyfriend feverishly
prepares for the night he’s hoping will make him into a man. Finally the moment
of truth arrives as he arrives at his quarrys abode, with not a hair out of
place and a bilfold full of condoms, he nervously rings the doorbell. After what
seems a small eternity, his girlfriend answers the door and with a passionate
kiss invites him throught the portal. He graciously accepts and enters to meet
her parents waiting in the foyer. Gretting are extended before all are ushered
into the formal dining room for the evening meal. Upon sitting down, the
girlfriend invites her extremely nervous and uncomfortable boyfriend to say
Grace before dinner is served. The boyfriend eagerly accepts and commences with
the longest, most religious, heartfelt prayer in all of history. At the end of
the prayer, the girlfriend exclaims “I had no idea you were so religious”. The
boyfriend sweating from his labor exlaims in turn “I had no idea your father was
a pharmicist”!
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man, “Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
Why Black?
A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.
The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, “Why are you dressed up in black?”
The woman replied, “Well, that’s because I’m not a virgin.”
Fleas
Q: What did one flea say to the other flea? A: Shall we walk or take a dog?
She was only…
She was only the……..admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen….astronaut’s daughter, but she knew how to take off….athlete’s daughter, but she was always ready to play ball….barman’s daughter, but she knew how to pull them….blacksmith’s daughter, but she knew how to forge ahead….bookbinder’s daughter, but she knew her way between the sheets….bricklayer’s daughter, but she was certainly stacked….butcher’s daughter, but there wasn’t much more she could loin….cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together….cave man’s daughter, but you should have seen what dinosaur….chimney sweeps daughter, but she could haul ash….clergyman’s daughter, but you couldn’t put anything pastor….cobbler’s daughter, but she was built to last….communist’s daughter, but all the boys got a share….doctor’s daughter, but she really knew how to operate….draughtsman’s daughter, but she never knew where to draw the line….electrician’s daughter, but she lit up half the town….electrician’s daughter, but she had good connections….farmer’s daughter, but she knew hundreds of ways to fertilise….film censor’s daughter, but she didn’t know when to cut it out….fisherman’s daughter, but all the guys swallowed her lines….fishmonger’s daughter, but she lay on the slab and said fillet….flag-wavers daughter, But she’d let her standards down for anyone….florist’s daughter, but she had the best tulips in town….fruit vendor’s daughter, but she certainly had a pail….gravedigger’s daughter, but she liked lying under the sod….insurance broker’s daughter, but all the guys liked her policy….jockey’s daughter, but all the horse manure….lighthouse keeper’s daughter, but she never went out at night….milkman’s daughter, but she was cream of the crop….moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her still….musician’s daughter, but she knew all the bars in town….optician’s daughter, but after a few of glasses made a spectacle of herself….parachutists daughter, but she was free-4-all…philanthropist’s daughter, but she kept giving things away….photographer’s daughter, but she was really developed….pitcher’s daughter, but you should have seen her curves….plumber’s daughter, but she made good use of her fixtures….professor’s daughter, but she gave all the boys a lesson….real estate agent’s daughter, but she gave a lot away….road worker’s daughter, but she knew how to get her asphalt….stableman’s daughter, but all the horsemen knew her. …statistician’s daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations….steelworker’s daughter, but you should see that pig iron….telegrapher’s daughter, but she sure didit…didit…didit…….tree feller’s daughter, but t’ree fellas were never enough for her….undertaker’s daughter, but she knew how to bu…stiff….vacuum salesman’s daughter, but she knew how to suck!…violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled….weatherman’s daughter, but she sure had a warm front….woodcutter’s daughter, but you could hear her ringbark for miles.
Off The Field
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband’s key in the lock. “Hurry,” she said to the repairman, “you’ll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.”
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, “I didn’t see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?”
Life as an egg
So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is…
You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.
(Now don’t you feel better)
Estaba un topito bien caliente
Estaba un topito bien caliente en la selva cuando se escuentra a la jirafa, la detiene y le dice:
“Jirafa, jirafa, �puedo coger contigo?”
Y la jirafa contesta, “No topito, est�s muy chaparrito.”
Desconsolado, el topito sigue caminando y se encuentra a la elefanta y le dice:
“Elefanta, elefanta, �puedo coger contigo?”
Y la elefanta le contesta, “No topito, est�s muy flaquito.”
El topito iba bien jodido cuando se encuentra a la pantera y le dice:
“Pantera, pantera, �puedo coger contigo?”
Y la pantera le dice, “No topito, est�s muy ciego para m�.”
Y el topito insiste e insiste, hasta que la pantera acepta. En eso esta el topito bien entrado en el acto y la pobre pantera no sent�a ni madres, cuando de pronto un cazador desde la punta de un cerro le da un balazo a la pantera en la oreja y la pantera se levanta rugiendo y gritando.
Y todo emocionado el topito le dice:
“�G�zalo mi negra, g�zalo!”