One day, little Eddy went up to his mum “Mummy,” he asked, “does God live in our bathroom???” the mum, looking surprised said, “Why Honey?” and Eddy replied, “Because everyday dad bangs on the door and shouts “GOD ARE YOU STILL IN THERE??”
Author: admin
Chicken
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side!!!
Terminology Aussie Style
Log On……Make the barbie hotter
Log Off……Don’t add any more wood
Monitor……Keeping an eye on the barbie
Download……Get the firewood off the ute
Floppy Disc……What you get lifting too much firewood at once
Window……What you shut when it’s cold
Screen……What you shut in the mozzie season
Byte……What mozzies do
Bit……What mozzies did
Mega Byte……What Townsville mozzies do
Chip……A bar snack
Micro Chip……What’s left in the bag after you have eaten the chips
Modem……What you did to the lawns
Dot Matrix……Old Dan Matrix’s wife
Laptop……Where the cat sleeps
Software……Plastic knives and forks you get at Big Rooster
Hardware……Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart
Mouse……What eats the grain in the shed
Mainframe……What holds the shed up
Web……What spiders make
Web Site……The shed or under the verandah
Cursor……The old bloke that swears a lot
Search Engine……What you do when the ute won’t go
Upgrade……A steep hill
Server……The person at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
Mail Server……The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch
User……The neighbour who keeps borrowing things
Network……When you have to repair your fishing net
Internet……Complicated fish net repair method
Netscape……When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net
Online……When you get the laundry hung out
Off Line……When the pegs don’t hold the washing up
Math Class
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.
“If I gave you $200,” the teacher began, “and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?”
“An orgy,” Johnny answered.
Un tipo le reclama a
Un tipo le reclama a su compadre:
“�igame, desgraciado, �Por qu� anda diciendo que me fornica en el granero? �Ya todo el pueblo lo sabe! Adem�s, anduvo diciendo que hasta me acomoda”.
“No, compadre, c�mo cree que voy a decir eso.”
“�De veras no dijo eso, compadre?”
“No, yo no dije nada”
“Pues si no lo dijo, entonces nos vieron”.
Hammer homicide
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!”
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?”
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”
You might be a college student if . . .
22. If your idea of “doing your hair” is putting on a baseball cap
Q: How many Blue
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.
Fuzzy Vision
Q: Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
A: Because everything he saw was fuzzy.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Sight of Money
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn’t stand the sight of money.
The experiment
Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night.
He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in.
Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.
One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all.
The friend listened to her, and then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”
The wife thought that might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.
This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.
Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don’t you think?”
At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, “I guess we might as well. I’ll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo