Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as “tenth of troy once per barn” for pressures, or “acre times atmosphere per kilogram” for speeds.
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Golfing Lessons
A foursome is waiting at the men’s tee when another foursome of ladies are hitting from the ladies tee.The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically “I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”One of the men immediately replies “No, you see that’s your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead.”
Your muma so supid
your muma so supid she sits on the tv and watches the chair
20 Years or Life
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”. The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. “Yes I do” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?” “Yes, I remember” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?” “I remember that too” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today”.
Car Problems
A man’s car breaks down right in front of a farm and he’s trying
to fix it when he hears a voice coming behind him, “You have
water in the gas tank.” The man turns around and all he sees is
a cow from the farm.
He goes back to his car and again the same voice says, “You have
water in the gas tank.” The man turns around again and he sees
the cow but this time the voice came again but it’s from the
cow, “You have water in the gas tank.”
The man is shocked so he knocks on the door of the farmer’s
house. When the farmer answers the door the man says, “The cow
talked to me and said I had water in my gas tank. He can talk?”
The farmer replied, “Ignore him, the cow doesn’t know a thing
about cars.”
Three morals
A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep doo-doo, keep your mouth shut.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
The Top 18 Things Heard on “Straight Eye for the Queer Guy”
18> “You don’t need fancy-schmancy shampoos. A gallon of Suave costs $1.99 and will last you six months.”
17> “Okay, see that ticker on the bottom of the screen showing up-to-date sports scores? Never noticed that before, did ya?”
16> “A daily Tabasco-sauce gargle will lower the voice an octave and a half, putting it in the perfect range for bellowing ‘LOSERS!’ at Knicks games.”
15> “‘Yellow’ is a color. ‘Red’ is a color. ‘Tangerine’ is a fruit. And if I’m not mistaken, ‘lemon chiffon’ is a dessert.”
14> “For your face-care regimen, I’m switching you to a Norelco rechargeable shaver, followed by a splash of Old Spice. They’re both primary sponsors of Dale Earnhardt Jr.’s Winston Cup car.”
13> “Reading Maxim magazine is great. Dancing with both hands below your head works fine. Now let’s talk about your Episcopalian religion….”
12> “Make sure to scoop the salsa carefully, so the chip doesn’t brea– HEY! Keep that pinky down!”
11> “Try not to be the first one in *and* the last one out of the shower, Mr. Piazza.”
10> “Don’t bother trying to find ‘Skoal brown’ and ‘Bud yellow’ in a paint store — you gotta mix those colors yourself.”
9> “You’re probably unaware of how many food items are now available in convenient aerosol form.”
8> “First things first: Let’s teach you the difference between dirty and unwearable.”
7> “I’m tellin’ ya, it don’t matter if the shoes ‘accessorize with the rest of the ensemble,’ as long as you can easily clean vomit off ’em.”
6> “Leather jacket? Sure! Leather pants? Iffy. Leather chaps? Only if Mistress Helga is going to spank you tonight.”
5> “Okay, I’m *sorry* my rottweiler dismembered your bichon frise — but trust me, you don’t want a gay dog like that anyway.”
4> “When at a restaurant, order whatever you want — as long as you look and talk directly into the imaginary camera nestled between the waitress’ breasts.”
3> “Never shave on a weekend, unless you’re going to a wedding where you have a chance at nailing a bridesmaid.”
2> “Let’s talk about the holy trinity of interior design: pizza boxes, neon Budweiser signs and Heineken mirrors.”
1> “First of all, you gotta stop crying every time Greta Van Susteren says how much jail time Martha Stewart might get.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
The Latest E-mail Virus
There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “Free Money,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.
Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily, it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000 hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest of its days TORTURING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.
Some filthy, disgusting miscreant . . . some no-good, low-down, good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of her own sadistic dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e- mail entitled “Free Money. “What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need to RECEIVE the e- mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. “Free Money” can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.
How it does this with straight ASCII code is, frankly, a matter of some debate . . . but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren’t a SERIOUS situation, we wouldn’t be discussing it in ALL CAPS.
So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care about, all those you purport to love. Don’t do it later! Do it NOW! Now! Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
Sinkin Boat
Bill and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat who gets saved first?
The nation.
Un hombre fue llevado de
Un hombre fue llevado de emergencia a un hospital administrado por monjas, donde lo operaron del coraz�n. Despu�s de la operaci�n, el hombre despert� y una monjita estaba a su lado.
“Se�or P�rez, la operaci�n fue un �xito. Sin embargo, necesitamos saber c�mo piensa pagar la cuenta del hospital. �Tiene usted seguro de gastos m�dicos?”
“No.”
“�Puede pagar en efectivo?”
“Me temo que no, hermana.”
“Entonces, �tiene usted parientes cercanos?”
“S�lo mi hermana, pero es una monja solterona sin un centavo.”
“Disculpe que lo corrija. Las monjas no son solteronas; ellas est�n casadas con Dios.”
“�Magn�fico! Por favor env�e la cuenta a mi cu�ado.”
Quick thinking
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no, my wife’s dinner party!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis
Baseball and Law
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.