Author: admin

Why did Dennis Rodman get kicked out of the game? Because his purse didn’t match his shoes.

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to
see the manager.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with
child.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.
On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of “You’re my one and only” valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.
In an appliance store window: Don’t kill your wife. Let our
washing machines do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits — $100.00 they won’t last an
hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.
In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come right here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to
wash your car.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and
are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their
last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a
penis?”

“Well,” says the first Nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of
one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK” says St. Peter, “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on
into heaven.”

The next Nun admits that “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and
I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK” says St. Peter, “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on
into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is
trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your Excellency,” says the Nun who is trying to improve her
position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want
to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him.

God replied, “A million years to me is just like a single second to you.”

The young man asked God what a million dollars was to him.

God replied, “A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to
you.”

Then the young man got his courage up and asked, “God, could I have one
of your pennies?”

God smiled and replied, “Certainly, just a second.”