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Redneck quickies 16

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You might be a redneck if…

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the “who can spit tobacco the farthest contest”.

M&M Evolution theory

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M&M’s: The Theory of Evolution

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to:

M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90’s

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13. Joey’s E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service

12. Larry Learns About Leather

11. My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline

10. It’s a Mall World After All

9. RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager’s Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking

8. I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell

7. Look Before Crossdressing

6. The Littlest Testicle

5. Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl’s Guide to Staying Skinny

4. If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don’t Get Your Nipple Pierced

3. Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy

2. Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!

1. Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn’t Really 10 Years Old Like You

Remember When…

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One night, a woman woke up in the middle of the night and found
her husband in the kitchen sobbing.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked.

He replied,”Do you remember when we were still dating, and your
father caught us making love, and he told me either marry my
daughter or you will spend the next 20 years in jail?”

“Of course, I remember. What made you think of that,” she asked.

The husband replied with tears in his eyes, “Well, I would’ve
been getting out of jail today.”

The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

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[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

12> She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

11> Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

10> She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

9> She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

8> Your ex *is* a convict.

7> Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

6> You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

5> Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

4> You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

3> She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

2> Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

1> Her license plate is autographed.

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

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University: ______________________
To: Professor_____________________
From: __________________________

I think my grade in your course, ___________________, should be changed from
______ to _______ for the following reasons:
__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:
__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__My Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech
__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.
__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.
__6. I’m on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your
exam.
__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not
cover the material asked for on the exam.
__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about
general principles.
__10. You are prejudiced against:
__Males
__Jews
__Blacks
__Females
__Catholics
__Whites
__Protestants
__Moslems
__Minorities
__Chicanos
__People
__Students
__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my
allowance.
__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
__mono
__broken baby finger
__acute alcoholism
__pregnancy
__VD
__fatherhood
__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted
that done.
__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
__16. The lectures were:
__too detailed to pick out important points
__not explained in sufficient detail
__too boring
__all jokes and not enough material
__all of the above
__17. This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry
__too late, I was tired
__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper)
for this course.
__19. Other__________________________________

Panic on the flight

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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.

The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax…

OH, MY GOD!” Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I frightened you earlier while I was talking to you.

The flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach yelled, “You should see the back of mine.”