Author: admin

You know you’re not a kid anymore when…

You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 pm and ask, “did i wake you?”
You have dreams about prunes.
You answer a question with “because i said so!”
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word “equity” means.
You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about “good grass” and you’re refering to someone’s lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (uncle calls the weather channel “old folks MTV.”
You go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He held a gun to the pilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill your brains all over the place.

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, “Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot’s head and said, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “Listen to me. The pilot’s got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator’s head and repeated, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HIS brains all over the place.”

But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, “I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn’t find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you’ll die along with the rest of us.”

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess’s head and demanded, “Take this plane to Iraq or I’m gonna spill HER brains all over the place.”

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker’s ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

“I told him, sir,” she replied, “that if he killed me, HE’d be the one who’d have to give you guys your blowjobs.”