Redneck’s Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“Fag! Queer!”

Bible By College Students:

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students:

Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food.

Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail to the Romans.

Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals.

Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

Belfast Bad Taste

The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it. A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot a man.’It’s only 9.35 pm,’ roared the sergeant. ‘Why did you shoot him?”I know that man,’ said Private Connolly, ‘I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o’clock.’

Top 10 reasons why Star Wars is better than Star

10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess
Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation
torture, Picard looked like hell.

9. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he
encounters.

7. One word: lightsabers.

6. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

5. The Death Star doesn’t care if the Earth is class M or not.

4. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

3. Picard pilots through the Enterprise through an asteroid belt at
one-quarter inpulse power. Han Solo floors it.

2. Aliens have make-up in places other than their foreheads.

1. Death Star vs. Enterprise

Oh no!

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!”

“Oh no, I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.”

“I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat!”

“Oh no, I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.”

“I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!”

“Oh no, I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman

Growing ripe tomatoes!

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.”

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
“So,” he asked, “any luck with your tomatoes?”

“No,” she replied excitedly, “but you should see the size of my cucumbers!”