How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two … all the rest are true.
Author: admin
Bright People at WalMart
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.
The clerk asked for her driver’s license.
She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”
A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.
Taking it literally
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal
finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, “What was that all about?”
The bartender replies, “Look up ‘panda’ in the dictionary, pal.”
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster’s dictionary from his coat pocket and
looks up the word ‘panda.’
“What’s it say?” asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, “Eats shoots and leaves�.
Corruption Trial
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
“Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”
“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
Submitted by Curtis
A Jew, a Catholic and
A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.
“Why are you here?” he asked the Jew. “I ate pork,” the Jew admitted.
“Okay, come on in,” replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.
“What are you doing here?” Satan asked the Catholic. “I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay,” the Catholic answered. “Well,
then, come in,” Satan said.
Then he looked at the Episcopalian. “Why on earth are you down here?”
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered,
“I used the wrong fork.”
The hardest thing in life
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says “I’m going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.”
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, “If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.”
Of course Clinton doesn’t want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, “I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.”
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”
Swimming race!!!
There is three girls in a 1000metre swimming race one Blonde swims 500metres and saids i am too tired i have to go back!!!
Great lines from job evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a
won�t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever
foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He�s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
Gather at the river
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!”
And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!”
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”
Unlit match
A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new.
“An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, “More like an unlit match.”
Dog Day at Pizza Hut
What is a dogs favorite pizza topping?
Pupperoni