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Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747’s.
They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.
(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they were
going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. “Spankey can you
spell Dictate?”
He goes “D-i-c-k-” She goes “No”.
Then she goes on, “Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?”
Alfalfa says “D-i-c-t-a-e-” She goes “No”.
Then she
calls on Buckwheat. “Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?”
Buckwheat says “D-i-c-t-a-t-e”.
The teacher says “Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?”
Buckwheat replies “Darla how did my Dictate last night?”
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.
He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: “WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!”
But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: “A child who doesn’t eat right doesn’t get toys!!!”
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and curtis
What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have boys pants half off.
One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.
He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. “Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!”
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: “Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”
So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. “Lion, lion,” cries the rabbit, “Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead.”
The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.
“No!” the giraffe and the elephant cry. “Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!”
The lion replied, “Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin’ forest when he’s on speed!”
So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says “Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!”
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can’t afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
“I’ll hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask.”
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he’ll bring her food and water and she’ll just have to stay hidden because she’ll be in big trouble if she’s caught.
So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.
Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells “STOWAWAY!”
Scared she explains: “Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!”
“No kidding? Lady… this is the Staten Island Ferry!”
The year was 2031.
A young boy and his father were walking through Central Park in
New York City. The little boy stated what large buildings there
were everywhere.
The father pointed above the tree tops and stated “30 years ago,
the World Trade Center stood tall and proud”
The little boy asked what the World Trade Center was. The father
explained it was two large buildings that held 50,000 employee’s
that worked very hard.
“What happend to them,Daddy?” The boy asked.
“Well, some Arabs crashed planes into them, and they got
destroyed!”
The boy looking in amazement and curiosity, asked “Dad, whats an
Arab?”
It has been determined that the most used position for married couples is the doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Signs from hotels and from around the world:
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Bangkok drycleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.
In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor’s shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.