Author: admin

In a New Hampshire jewelry store: Ears pierced while you wait.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought to
see the manager.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
On a movie theater: Children’s matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with
child.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses, no waiting.
On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship.
On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of “You’re my one and only” valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.
In an appliance store window: Don’t kill your wife. Let our
washing machines do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a men’s clothing store: 15 men’s wool suits — $100.00 they won’t last an
hour!
On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.
In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End.
In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come right here?
In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight.
On a radiator repair garage: Best place to take a leak.
On a movie marquee: Now playing ADAM AND EVE with a cast of thousands!
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves.
On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
On the grounds of a private school: No trespassing without permission.
In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
taking it away.
On a Tennessee highway: Take notice, when this sign is under water, this road
is impassable.
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can’t read this, it’s time to
wash your car.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container.
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?”

2. Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it’s butt.”

3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

7. If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn’t he just buy dinner?

12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

15. Stop singing and read on…………

16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

A lady was a huge Paul MCCartney fan and wanted a tattoo of him on the inside of her thigh. She went to the parlour and told the guy what she wanted.

He says: “OK, take your skirt and underwear off and sit in the chair with your legs apart”.

She did that and he started on the tattoo. Pretty soon he’s done, blows off the dust and admires his work.

“Who the heck’s that?” she says.
“It’s Paul McCartney”, he replies.

“Doesn’t look like him at all” says she. “Now get it right or I’ll report you”.

So the tattooist starts on the other thigh. Really trying hard to do a better job. Finally he’s done, blows off the dust and feels pretty good.

The woman is pissed off “No way that’s Paul Mccartney” she says.
“It bloody well is” says the man. “Listen I’ll get a second opinion”

He goes out of his store and grabs the first person he sees. The guy is a drunk who’s been stumbling along the sidewalk. The tattooist drags the drunk into his store. There’s the woman, sitting legs apart with nothing on below her waist.

The tattoist says to the drunk (pointing at the womans legs)…
“Tell me who the hell you think that is”.

The drunk says (in a drunken slur voice), “I’ve no idea who the people are on her thighs but the guy in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson”!