Fast food makes you sick quick.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Author: admin
Medical Appointment
While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something like a red rash
around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!”, and makes a point of
getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
“Doc,” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and
how do I get rid of it?”
The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills
for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try
something else.”
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still
there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn’t
help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him
the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it’s not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next?”
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a
week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That
stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?”
The doctor replied, “Lipstick remover”.
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Seaguls
Why do seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived near a bay theyd be bagels!
Last years gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still� haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Bottom Start
Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
Son: But I want to learn to swim?
His Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”
“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.
“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”
“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”
“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.
“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Un borracho va a un
Un borracho va a un bar, pide una cerveza y sale afuera a tom�rsela. Como no ten�a dinero para pagar, se echa un pis en la botella simulando no haber tomado nada. Termina y la deja en el mostrador.
Al cabo de un rato llega un hombre y pide una cerveza, y el mozo le trae la botella que dej� el borracho.
Pasa un rato y el hombre llama al mozo y le dice: “Por qu� no me traes un sandwich de mierda y la hacemos completa?”
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.” The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.” The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!” The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”
M&M Factory
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the “W”s!
Blow
what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
you don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!
Olympic Games
Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.
All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.
They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.
One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.
He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard “England. High jump.” And the guard let him in!
“That’s fantastic!” cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. “Russia. Discus,” he told the guard, and in he went.
“Amazing” said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced “Poland. Fencing.”